Drones actually are the “cure-all” for terrorism.
At yesterday’s presidential press conference, President Obama talked for an abnormally long time about policy shift in his administration’s use of unmanned aerial vehicles in the war against terrorism.
The president’s statements effectively nullified most of the promises made in his counterterrorism speech just weeks ago on May 23rd, many of which focused on restraints on the freedom of drones to shoot whatever the heck they want. Obama himself showed little restraint in his speech, spitting out numerous examples of “bad guys” around the world that need to be “droned down,” ranging from Kim Jong-un and asparagus to Vladamir Putin and country music.
The Middle East was also among Obama’s targets. “Look at Egypt. Let’s be realistic. We’ve given the new president Mursi almost a year now. Are things better? Time to drone ’em down.”
Obama emphasized the cost-effectiveness of the “Drone ’em Down” campaign compared to other peace-building techniques. “For the cost of feeding five hungry children in Yemen, we could paint 10 of our drones with “shark face” nose art like the Flying Tigers. For the cost of training five Afghani security officers, we could give full health insurance coverage to every drone in the fleet.”
The president’s expansion of drone usage also tied national security with economic development. “Look at our youth. Let’s be realistic. They can really only do one thing well and that’s video games. Aren’t drone controls just advanced video games? Time to take advantage of that.”
The far-reaching economic plan will create an estimated 200,000 jobs in the 18-29 demographic and will – as Obama promised – take the control of the drones away from the CIA. “It’s nonsensical. Most of the CIA agents responsible for the use of drones haven’t logged a single hour of Halo, Counterstrike, or Starcraft.”
The president did keep a number of other promises. In the face of opposition from “Zero Pilots – Two Genders” (ZP2G), a feminist group specializing in women’s rights in the drone sector, Obama agreed to introduce more gender-neutral terminology when referring to the unmanned aerial vehicles. Starting in the latter half of 2013, all state employees and military officers must officially refer to them as “unpersoned aerial vehicles.”
Despite the change, ZP2G’s leader, US Air Force pilot Nicole Malachowski, expressed her desire for more. “There’s still a lot of terminology to be changed. Do you know what the word ‘drone’ means in the field of insectology? A male wasp or ant.”
Obama also reassured the public that despite the “droning down” of US citizen-turned-terrorist-turned-mutilated-corpse, Anwar Alwaki, American citizens would not be targeted by drone attacks.
“Except for Edward Snowden. You leak our documents; we leak your blood.”
Nevertheless, the President’s final word was distinctly non-violent. He called for the importance of cultural understanding and winning hearts in order to ensure everlasting peace in the Middle East.
“Rockets aren’t the only things drones can carry,” Obama reminded the crowd. He then confirmed rumors of a series of “thousand-drone raids” throughout the coming summer, in which tons of delicious ice cream, mouthwatering hamburgers, and ice-cold lemonade will be dropped during daylight hours across numerous Muslim countries in a celebration of good will and cultural respect.
“And we’re going to time it with their own celebration of Ramadan.”