Delivering your baby in a hospital is so 20th century.
No parent wants to ruin this magical experience by doing it in a place filled with icky things like hospital gowns, highly trained professionals, and state-of-the-art machinery.
But then again, if home-birth is the wave of the future (and also the distant past), then why are we stuck in an outdated rut with vaccinations?
Well, maybe we aren’t.
Because thanks to a few brave, pioneering parents, home-vaccination is becoming the hottest new trend in parenting, and I think your kids are going to find these Immunitreats© to be simply Innoculicious™.
I know what you’re thinking: haven’t traditional vaccines saved billions from needless childhood death and ushered in a golden age of technological breakthrough and human prosperity?
Maybe.
But are they truly worth the hassle of getting in your car, driving to the clinic, and subjecting your little ones to a fleeting moment of discomfort? Hardly.
Luckily, thanks to internet forums and a can-do attitude, humane parents like us have another option. The following recipes will not only preserve so-called “herd immunity,” but have your little ones begging for a booster—and go ahead—if a little vaccine is good, a triple helping is better!*
1: M.M.R. mm’ mm’ Lemon Bars
These lemon bars are a triple threat: they’re sweet, tangy, and protect your children from deadly strains of measles, mumps, and rubella virus. Your youngsters will like them so much, they won’t mind that you’re giving them “health food!”
Ingredients for base:
2 cups sifted organic flour
½ cup powdered cane sugar
1 cup organic grassfed butter
10 mL human diploid tissue cultures
1 tsp bovine calf serum
Pinch of hydrolized gelatin
Ingredients for top:
4 cage free organic eggs
2 cups pure cane sugar
½ cup organic lemon juice
2 tbsp recombinant human serum albumin
lemon zest, glutamate, sorbitol, and neomycin to taste
Directions:
Wearing surgical gloves in a sterilized laboratory, mix flour, sugar, butter, and human diploid tissue cultures into 1000 mL Erlenmeyer flask.
Using 50 mL buret, add bovine calf serum while slowly heating the flask under a Bunsen burner until butter is melted. Place dough in 13×9 pan and bake under chemical hood with ventilation fan running until crust is golden brown.
For filling, beat together the eggs, sugar, and lemon juice. Whisk in recombinant human serum albumin until mixture takes on a meringue-like texture. Spread atop crust and sprinkle with lemon zest, glutamate, sorbitol, and neomycin.
2. Holy Moly Polio Aioli
This yummy sauce is as easy as it is versatile. It will give your hamburgers or cold cut sandwiches an extra zip while keeping your kids on the playground and out of the iron lung.
Ingredients:
1 cup organic olive oil
3 cage free organic egg yolks
2 tsp Sriracha sauce
½ tsp monkey kidney cell culture
½ tsp calf serum protein
3 mL formaldehyde
½ mL 2-phenoxyethanol
¼ tsp polymyxin B
Dollop of streptomycin
Directions:
Wearing protective eyewear, combine all ingredients with immersion blender until oil, egg, and monkey kidney cell culture become emulsified. Store in vacuum-sealed container and eat within 30 seconds of opening. Top with paprika for a fun color presentation.
3. Oatmeal Rabies Cookies
Your traditional oatmeal raisin cookie with one big twist.
The twist is your kids won’t suffer paralysis of the legs, vomiting, excessive saliva production, hallucinations, voice box spasms, and other symptoms associated with the deadly rabies virus.
Try whipping these up in the springtime before bats and other common rabid biting mammals become a nuisance in your neighborhood.
Ingredients:
¾cup grassfed organic butter
¾ pure cane sugar
¾ organic brown sugar
2 cage free organic eggs
2 cups organic rolled Irish oats
1 cup organic raisins
2 tbsp rhesus monkey fetal lung tissue
1 tbsp chicken embryo
½ tsp albumin
¼ tsp MRC-5 cells
neomycin sulfate and phenol to taste
Directions:
In a large mixing bowl, combine butter, sugar, oats, raisins and rhesus monkey fetal lung tissue. Slowly add cold water until batter is light and fluffy. Fold in chicken embryo, albumin, MRC-5 cells. Form two-inch diameter balls on greased cookie sheet. Top with neomycin sulfate and phenol and bake for twelve minutes at 375 F.
*Note: all recipes should be tested on the annoying neighbor kid prior to serving.