Someone spread messages under my Sacred Name soliciting money for a purported “neighbor kid” whose kidneys are crumbling. My real neighbor kid is a paranoid schizophrenic with bipolar overtones and a narcissistic bass line.
My soul reels. I feel violated. V-i-o-l-a-t-e-d.
My body aches for the name of this miscreant.
You may have heard that on September 21, 2019 at 2:22 AM, I achieved Enlightenment, thank you, after joining the Illuminati.
Even so, I will repudiate my gnosis of the Secret Doctrine, I’ll fling it ass over teacup into the fieriest precincts of Hell for the chance to suck the marrow from the bones of the bastard who imposed his evil will upon my Person.
I can hear you all shouting:
“Hang him high over the city!”
“Pour boiling oil down his throat!”
“Strap him to a hospital gurney then inject him with a sedative, a paralyzing agent and a cardiac arrester!”
Nah, I got a better idea.
I’m going run him through a wood chipper, then shoot him six times in the head.
That will teach him.
O, how I shall cackle in triumph as I envision him swimming in Satan’s Soup Kettle.
By the way, if you receive his stupid message, email me his IP address. With enough data points I can employ Advanced Triangulation to nab the son-of-a-bitch.
I also need volunteers to form a strike force to capture the target, run him through a speedy trial, then haul him out to the desert. I’ll need help with the wood chipper, too.
For those coming from out-of-town, I have tents and other camping equipment you can borrow. We’ll share wieners and beer after the mission. You can also count on a visit from Mary Jane.