Tea Party Warns of Threat to American Onion

TOPEKA – Members of the Kansas Tea Party are drawing considerable attention after they released a documentary warning of a threat to the “American Onion.”

Director Shelley Burnell explained her film’s purpose, saying:

“For generations America has existed as an onion of sovereign states, and that tradition is being threatened by liberal politicians seeking to undermine the fundamental layers of constitutionalism and proper government.

“When we give up rights, we slice through the layers of old, allowing many sad tears to flow as people lament the loss of their very own and precious Constitution.”

Burnell’s husband Tom, who starred as narrator of the documentary, expressed similar concerns about the proliferation of anti-onionism.

“What the liberal democrats have done under Obama is to perpetuate the notion that sautéing our great American Onion is acceptable if it meets ends positive to their well-being. But we are going to fight, and fight with every muscle and natural bulb we’ve got.”

American Onion

Liberals were quick to react, calling Burnell “A psychotic Kolrabi” who desires to “Quash the Squash and Kale the wimmin.”

In response to both parties, the Libertarian National Committee released the following statement:

Sources compiled by Alex Jones imply a GMO-plagued scandal of Barack Obama’s reptilian artichoke heart. We promise all loyal Libertarians and brony fedorafags a thorough investigation brought together by private volunteerism and anarchical benevolence.

The least concerned person in America appears to be Piers Morgan, who recently announced his decision to take up living as a transbotanic chickpea.


One comment on “Tea Party Warns of Threat to American Onion

  1. “RIGHT: Don’t listen to those who claim the American patriots of the Tea Party movement exclude persons of color.”

    I actually did not write this part. It doesn’t seem to flow with the article much at all.

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