In an effort to attract the more diverse crop of voters and political revolutionaries emerging in President Obama’s second term, Democrat leaders announced early Wednesday that their party’s name will be changed to “Socialist-Liberal-Progressive-Democrat-Marxist-Leninist-Maoist Party for Pansexual and Botox Patient Rights” on June 1st.
Nancy Pelosi personally unveiled the new title to the press corps, calling its advent “A refreshing glass of Kool-Aid for us all to consume.”
The former House Speaker has also pledged to show sympathy for unique subcultures of America by identifying herself only as “Newman” from this point forward.
President Obama on the other hand had choice words for those staffers who came up with the name. He said, “Let me be clear: I think the new title is something fantastic and all parts of it apply to me — except for pansexual. I have always been and will continue to be intersexual with a dash of unisexuality.”
Republican reactions have been mixed, though the most defined came from Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas, who launched into a tirade about the threat posed by the new name to family values.
“We cannot look at this through the realm of politics – it has to be about family values. And family values aren’t on the table for negotiation! If we on the Republican side do not see some initiative by the president to drop the hammer and defend family values then it may be time for the South to form a federation of sorts precisely to exalt the sheer decency of those values.”
News agencies are still waiting by for a reaction from the Big Botox Butt Brigade of America’s chairwoman, Kim Kardashian.