Gobbler’s Knob, PA – Conservative decorator William James has long been a fixture in this town with his drab color schemes and patriotic flag motifs. Scandal erupted this week when it was alleged that he gerrymandered furniture to better suit his conservative purposes.
“I came home and expected him to be done,” said local resident Heath Jacobs, “but everything was in really weird places and it just didn’t make any sense.”
According to reports, the boundaries of the kitchen had been extended halfway down the hall and slightly into the bathroom, with walls painted in kind.
“I just expected each room to be painted one color, right?” said homeowner Cynthia Jacobs. “But instead I’ve got these weird colors from adjacent rooms running throughout the house.” Adding, “It’s not just ugly, it makes no sense.”
A 5-piece sectional can now be found in the guest bedroom. The ottoman is now at the foot of the stove. There is a toilet paper roll in the living room.
“I just felt the den was under-represented,” said James. “Obviously the den would get better representation if part of it was designated as the dining room and part of it as the hallway. There will still be a portion of the den that remains the den, of course.”
Liberal decorator Arianna Harper surveyed the house and disagreed. “This is an obvious injustice, not just to the house, but to the family.”
When asked what she would do differently, Harper explained, “I would let the den stand as its own room, but move the line between the dining room and kitchen in a bit, maybe move the [kitchen] island to part of the bathroom.”
The Jacobs’ are flustered and frustrated, left with a home that looks like a cross between a circus and a Mad Max post-apocalyptic disaster.
Bo Phun, the assistant to Mr. James sums it up nicely. “I think we’ve already billed something like $13 billion for the project, so needless to say, we’re over budget.”