The War on Christmas Is(n’t) a Total Joke

It seems every year we go through the same rigamaroll. In August we crack out the decorations, in November we start the massive shopping season, and in December we enter the War on Christmas territory.

Is it a real war, or one imagined? Is Christianity itself under attack, or the Christians and secular humanists who celebrate it?

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Today we look at both sides of the issue. From the Left, Brian K. White, satirist and editor of GlossyNews.com. From the Right, blogger and pollster Dean Chambers from UnSkewedPolls.com.

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Brian K. White — GlossyNews.com

The turbo conservatives have an annual tradition even bigger than Christmas, and it’s the so-called “war on Christmas”. They act like there is an army of true humbugs out there saying Christmas shouldn’t happen, or that it’s a bad thing. Nothing could be further from the truth.

A quick Google search for “neighborhood bans Christmas decorations” turns up zero relevant results. Jon Stewart regularly points out the absurdity of the War on Christmas on The Daily Show. For 8-10% of the year America is festooned like Santa himself just ejaculated glitter and ribbons all over America, yet conservatives still want to pretend that Christmas is under attack.

Dean Chambers — UnSkewedPolls.com

I”m not sure who the “turbo conservatives” are, sounds like a name for a punk rock group, but I know a well-tuned V6 engine beats a turbo-charged 4 cylinder for horsepower and torque any day. The secular progressive crusade against Christmas is not about decorations or even use of the word Christmas, although they oppose that and prefer “holidays” used instead, it is about something more specific: taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Christmas is about the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, a story that secular progressives don’t want being told at all. Christmas wasn’t simply invented as another holiday for people to exchange gifts and benefit the consumer-driven economy by encouraging millions to spend money buying gifts for friends and family members. Liberal politicians and others want to censor from the public celebration any mention of Christ in Christmas because the “war on Christmas” is part of the larger secular progressive agenda of driving religion entirely (except Islam who they wish not to offend) from the public square.

Brian K. White — GlossyNews.com

Typical conservative. When in doubt, just make stuff up. A turbo4 does beat a stock V6… any day. Facts, man, facts. Progressives prefer the term happy holidays because it applies to all religions plus atheists. Would forcing “Merry Christmas” be a war on Jews, Muslims, Kwanza-Americans and observers of Festivus?

Christmas may have once been about the birth of Christ, in much the same way the Queen once had power over England. Though still recognized both are pale shadows of what they once were. Christmas isn’t mentioned in the Bible, and some would argue that it’s the definitive work on the topic of Christianity. A bedazzled tree, molester’s mistletoe, high-proof eggnog, obnoxious carols, Santa Claus sleeping with your mom, unbridled materialism, socks full of toys & candy and drunken in-laws? None of those things are in the Bible, save for maybe the in-laws. The Bible doesn’t even say when Jesus was born, but Christians say he wasn’t born in December. The date was chosen as a hostile takeover of a pagan holiday, and the pagan holiday won the day.

If you want a real conclusion to this silly, mythical war (when we have real wars we should be discussing), look to the Jewmander in Chief.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
The War on Christmas: Friendly Fire Edition
www.thedailyshow.com
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Dean Chambers — UnSkewedPolls.com

I don’t have a clue about what Turbo Progressive is bloviating about above. So perhaps we can get back to the issue. Secular progressives want to take religion out of this holiday that many of us celebrate as Christmas or Hannakah and turn it into some secular “winter holiday involving trading gifts” where we just say “Happy Holidays” in December. That is an empty meaningless statement, there are holidays throughout the year and calling them such doesn’t say which ones. Instead we should recognize, respect, condone and enable the basic freedom to say Merry Christmas and Happy Hannakah. It’s that simple. It really is.

The so-called “war,” the drive by secular progressives to take religion out of this holiday is neither silly nor mythical, it’s quite real. It’s also quite serious for those on the left who are so bent on taking religion out of this very religious holiday. If the left doesn’t want to celebrate, they can voluntarily abstain. But they can respect the majority that does choose to celebrate, and cease in their war against the holidays, values, institutions and traditions supported by the majority.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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