Scientists Discover 21 Benefits to Burkas

Burkas are the head to toe traditional wear for adult females in the most fundamentalist of Islamic countries. They are designed to cover up all possibilities of erotic stimulation coming from even the oldest of women.

Standard wear in much of Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia, they are scorned as repressive by women throughout the rest of the world. It bears reexamining, however, as Western women might actually have much to gain from their use.

If American women wore burkas:

1. There would be a lot less money spent on makeup.
2. Fashion magazines could be recycled year after year.
3. There would be no need for female school uniforms.
4. Skinny, arrogant, vain fashion models would disappear from sight.
5. The thong craze wouldn’t completely die out but would cease to be quite so ‘in your face’.
6. No more jealousy between thin and fat girls because no matter what their figure is like they would all look like amorphous clumps of potato.
7. Female facial hair would be free to frolic, hidden from othe light of day.
8. No one will notice the cellulite, which will greatly benefit ‘chubby chasers’.
9. Fashion magazines would disappear from magazine racks leaving more room for more important publications such as ‘Cigar Aficionado’ and ‘Cat Fancy’.
10. Photo models will lose their jobs and finally have to go out and earn a real living like the rest of us.
11. Less money would be needed for tanning supplies, tanning salons and other agents of orange.
12. No more female jealousy when two women wear the same outfit because ALL women would wear the same outfit.
13. Subway gropers won’t know where to start groping.
14. Soulless gingers would have a leg-up; no sunburn risk and red hair hidden from the world.
15. No one will know if you aren’t wearing deodorant, they’ll just assume it.
16. Anyone can be a model–all women would look the same.
17. Fewer traffic accidents from ogling male drivers.
18. Tramp stamps will become a thing of the past.
19. No more animal experimentation for cosmetic testing.
20. Any woman could be a Playboy bag o’ bunny — they would be all covered up anyway.
21. Going out on a blind date would be like getting a Cracker Jack prize–you never would know what you are getting but you can be pretty sure it’s going to be disappointing.

Non-Clothing uses for burkas:

1. Table cloth (and the head piece can hold a flower arrangement).
2. Can be dyed white and used for Klu Klux Klan meetings (or as a Casper the friendly ghost Halloween costume).
3. Can be used as a backup parachute for skydivers.
4. A towel for when you aren’t that wet.
5. A bed sheet and a pan can be put under the face holes for chronic bed wetters.
6. A ventilated tarp.
7. A convenient burial shroud for the man of the house in case he loses that contraception argument.