Guinness Records: Hardest, Oldest, Smallest & Tallest

And now – the latest Guinness World Records:

A two-time Guinness record holder is hoping to enter the prestigious compendium yet again with a third placing by completing 100 push-ups in 60 seconds – using his penis – while viewing stimulating televised images of a belly dancer to keep him focused and phallically erect.

Indian cormorant strangler Bongbong Natterjack from Madras claims the attempt will take him one step closer to achieving his goal of having three Guinness records in his name.

His two previous records include breaking a stack of concrete slabs by delivering a karate blow with his cock – and ramming the same erect male member through a one inch thick plank, which – while successful – resulted in hospitalisation for the removal of several large splinters.

The world’s oldest known living person has celebrated her 135th birthday this week.

Fellattia Sodomberg was honoured at a pole dancing bar in Las Vegas with live music, a letter from President Barky O’Barmy – which apparently made her vomit and brought on an asthma attack – and a champagne toast with a three-tier cake and candles – a slice of which her great-grand-daughter chewed for her first.

Friends sang to her as she performed her regular nightly erotic dance routine and was presented with an ‘Oldest Pussy on the Planet’ certificate from Guinness World Records before getting several crisp $100 bills tucked into her bikini bottom.

Heho Pingpong, the Guinness Book’s shortest man, tells the Daily Shitraker he prefers running a restaurant to craving fame.

The 92-year-old, who lives with his younger sisters in China’s Inner Mongolia, is just 73cm tall – making him officially the shortest little git on Earth – a veritable Tom Thumb.

Mr. Pingpong’s greatest fear in life? – getting trodden on by drunks. His greatest pleasure – having sex with cats or wire-haired terriers.

Sultan Kosen, who measures 8ft 1in (2.47m), has officially had his status as the tallest man on the planet verified by Guinness World Records.

He visited London’s main sights this week to get measured up for a batch of custom-made condoms – and was filmed by news hacks towering above other pedestrians as he mingled with crowds outside Big Ben – where he reached up – in a moment of mischievous fun – and adjusted the minute finger so it was running a half-hour fast.

A licenced tomcat peeler from Mardin in eastern Turkey, Kosen told Fux News “Hopefully now that I’m famous I’ll be able to meet lots of girls. I’d like to get married and am going on a blind date next week with Heho Pingpong’s little sister – courtesy of the Guinness team.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via