Terrorized by Multiple Wives? You Might be a bin Laden

Terrorizing innocent, decent people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get stuck sleeping with cretins who stink like deep-fried weasel, constantly eat curry-laced leftovers, and notice, too late, some jerk used all the toilet paper — no wonder Osama bin Laden always resembled a raving lunatic.

But what really sucked him down the pit of despair was shacking up with three wives.

Guys like women around. It’s in their owner’s manual right after “Caution: Do not leave unattended near open beer container.” Plus, the average male is recklessly proficient at siring offspring. Take one guy and, say, six wives — in no time you’d have a Pee Wee Cricket team.

Women have more common sense. They know one man — let alone more — is typically not worth the trouble.

Old Osama was riddled with domestic tranquility issues:

* Delivery room. What if the three wives went into delivery at the same time? How would Osama ever have simultaneously coached breathing, video taped, and avoided fainting? He’d invariably sit in a corner with his head between his knees.

* Parental responsibilities. Frolicking under the sheets (if you catch my drift), Osama was apparently incapable of foreseeing poopy diapers, orthodontics, butt-numbing Little League field hockey matches, and the late night, “You threw up on your Sponge Bob tunic, AGAIN!”  One kid gets the stomach flu — all would. Believe me, the ol’ “barf-o-rama” is not a pretty picture.

* Pecking order fiasco. Osama’s wives must have hated each other’s guts. Imagine getting ready for a dinner out, squished around a mirror, clawing for the hair drier and curling iron while he’s lounging in the mini van rocking out to the Stones, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” Can you spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r? Rivaling hi jinx would start with wild boar urine in the cologne and culminate with a cold cream-slinging free-for-all.

* Little piggy syndrome. Men are in trouble 24/7 for transporting microscopic dirt. I’m walking down the hall when a mysterious voice asks, “Is that dirt on the bottom of those shoes?” Women sense dirt like a bloodhound sniffing out a giggle-charged hyena. With multiple wives, Osama heard a chorus demanding, “Did you miss the toilet again?!”

* Groveling. Osama must have done a lot of heartfelt groveling for infractions he couldn’t remember. It’s one of the ten laws of sociology: “Women never, ever, forget.” He’d be cleaning his video equipment one evening when a wife would lament he missed their anniversary way back during the Soviet – Afghanistan war.

Multiple wives = multiple brains = multiple memories. Can you envision the countless blunders a guy would get reprimanded for, over and over again? Hey, a terrorist’s life is demanding enough having to choose a color-coordinated camouflage ensemble.

* Don’t fix it. Guys courageously like to fix things: flat tires, misfiring assault rifles, backyard fences, lukewarm beer. Meanwhile, women just want someone who’ll listen to their troubles. Osama would have been swamped listening to complaints each day — time more effectively used grooming a beard and checking for head lice.

Jumping into a polygamous relationship should scare the tapeworm out of any guy. Maybe Osama enjoyed the female companionship during social events, like mosque potlucks, but it sure made his life a disaster. I’m here to tell you, one wife is all any man, even a terrorist, needs…  “Yes dear, that’s my dirty underwear on the dining room table.”

Author: Joe Barnhart

Not yet in his niche, but getting close, Joe Barnhart is a freelance humor writer with articles appearing in newspapers and magazines. When Joe sits down at the computer, nothing is sacred as he willingly lampoons everything from economic stimulation to polygamy. He’s currently working on a book about parenting. It’s a lighthearted romp through the disgusting mess that is our capitalist, disposable diaper system.