Greenville, SC (GlossyNews) — The parapsychology community was confronted this week by an event some termed frightening. Fans of A&E’s popular “Paranormal Squad” were shocked this week when series regulars Kate, Bob and Xi Liang came a cropper in a South Carolina antebellum mansion.
The experience was described as ‘disturbing’ by cast and crew. A&E today announced the episode will not be rebroadcast under any circumstances. The absolute absence of any ghostly presence was called ‘profoundly unsettling’ by sound man Lane Fontana, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Yeah man. Everybody was hitting their marks. And then it happened, nothing. It reminded me of a James Taylor concert.”
Following the traumatic event, “Paranormal Squad” Producer Calvin Klavan was quick to shift into protective mode. “Don’t blame the kids on my team. The buck stops with me, and I mean that, whattya call it, literal. I got a Rolex on each wrist. Everybody did right. It’s a freaking Civil War mansion, OK? Used as a hospital after some battle, Gettysburg maybe. Got a documented murder/suicide in 1876, so sue me! I don’t mean that literal; don’t sue me. Please pray for Kate, Bob and Xi Lang, cause they’re the ones hurting the most here. They did what they were hired to do, holding flashlights under their chins in a dark room ready to say ‘Oh my God, did you feel that too?’ but it didn’t happen all right? Leave them alone, let them heal. Don’t you reporters have some war or something you can go do?”
Noted Parapsychologists are also confused by the ghostlessness of the South Carolina mansion, called ‘Twelve Oaks’ since its building in 1819. The consensus was “I dunno. Maybe one more Oak might’ve helped some.”
Though never to be shown again on A&E, “Twelve Oaks Investigation” has found its way onto YouTube, garnering three million hits at this writing. All agree it is a chilling, disturbing thing to watch. At 8:37 Kate throws her flashlight and shouts, “Screw this! MFA from UCLA for this crap? I should’ve got a boob job and gone into porn. Mom was right!”