PACIFIC OCEAN, 135° to 155°W (GlossyNews) — Entrepreneurs worldwide are being lured by the siren call of opportunity rising from the Pacific. The middle of the Pacific Ocean, that is.
The multinational realty conglomerate, Glutton Realty, has purchased the vortex of marine litter in the central North Pacific Ocean known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The company plans to convert the trash into a new mega-island. With more acreage than the state of Texas at their disposal, speculators anticipate selling these “premium” tropical parcels at astronomical prices.
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is a mass of churning waste caught in the confluence of several oceanic tides that converge around what scientists call the “horse latitudes.” This swill is created by tons of accumulated plastic, paper, wood pieces, and other debris discarded by millions of cruise ships, boaters, surfers, and beach dwellers across the Pacific.
Glutton Realty, a group of property valuation experts and investors, seeing opportunity where others saw only excrement, has hired cargo ships to carry dirt, cement, and rebar out to the middle of the vortex, where its contractors will begin building what promises to become the world’s largest man-made island. As soon as the basic foundation is complete, landscapers will populate the region with tropical vegetation. “Because half this pile came out of a human being at some point, we won’t need fertilizers,” one developer told reporters.
Hotels, restaurants, and homes will then be built and leased to the highest bidders. Representatives for Glutton Realty say that purchasing land on this Shangri-La will run around $500,000 an acre. Needless to say, the island is being promoted as a playground for the rich.
Glutton Reality is a subsidiary of Yuppies Afloat, one of the major cruise lines that helped create the patch by dumping an average of eight tons of refuse in the water per week.
Inside sources say that Glutton is considering naming the territory Kroc Island, after the entrepreneur who turned McDonald’s into the largest fast food operation in the world. Litter bearing the McDonald’s logo was the most abundant form of trash found in the Garbage Patch, but Coca-cola, Pepsi, and Glad are suing over naming rights, claiming that their products made up a comparable amount of pollution.
Despite Kroc Island’s location in international waters, questions over its sovereignty have threatened to halt the construction already under way. The U.S. military announced that it would entertain wresting control of the island if, as surveyors expect, rich oil reserves are found on the sea floor beneath the land mass. General Brigham Lamar also said that the island’s strategic position may necessitate its use as a military base for national defense. Glutton Reality has taken its case to the United Nations. The U.S. has offered Glutton bailout funds if they drop the case and comply.