The UK faces a “catastrophe” of floods, droughts and killer heatwaves if world leaders fail to agree a deal on climate change, the prime minister will warn.
Prime Munster Gordon ‘Cry Wolf’ Broon is set to address the Major Economies Forum in London this week, which is striving to bring together a mere 17 of the world’s biggest greenhouse gas-emitting countries and get them to admit they’re shagging up the global environment.
Mr Broon will inform them, in a grand theatrical doomsayer performance, there is no time to organise a Plan B if agreement can’t be reached on the existing Plan A at this coming December’s UN Climate Change Propaganda Summit in tropical Denmark’s capital of Copenhagen.
However, to date nobody seems to have the slightest idea what Plan A actually is – although sceptics and critics alike claim it’s based on Al Bore’s ‘Inconvenient Truth’ propaganda movie – and further rooted in faulty science, bureaucratic scaremongering and a scheme set up by grasping commercial interests to rake in mega-bucks from the imposition of their dodgy carbon exchange cap and trade bourse after the coming second round collapse of the US dollar, banks, Freddie Frog style mortgage institutions, stock exchanges and the entire dodgy derivatives market.
While ignoring the fact that global temperatures peaked in 1998 and have been ‘dropping’ ever since – for the past eleven years – as we enter another Ice Age – negotiators have 50 days to save the world from global warming Broon intends to declare in a pathetic attempt to add a touch of histrionic emphasis to his speech – by further appearing at the rostrum dressed in a pair of swimming trunks with a 4-knot hankie stuck atop his balding pate.
The Copenhagen summit in December is intended produce a new global climate change deal to replace the threadbare 1997 Kyoto Protocol that no-one really bothered to take much notice of from day one – and the US refused to ratify then totally ignored – while being personally responsible for 36.1% of global emission levels.
“In Britain we face the prospect of more frequent droughts and a rising wave of floods from all the unseasonable summer – and winter – rains,” Comrade Broon is NLP-primed to tell delegates.
A quick peek at Gordon’s prepared speech reveals “The extraordinary summer heatwave of 2003 in Europe resulted in over 35,000 extra deaths – with vacationers being parboiled in their bikinis as they sat on beaches and pigeons getting roasted as they flew through the air.”
Further, that by 2015 an extra 1.8 billion people – a quarter of the world’s current population – could lack sufficient water to wash their bums or clean their teeth – it would come down to being one or the other.
However Broon and his faulty science stooges seemed to ignore the fact that tropical / torrid zone countries experience these same ‘heatwave’ temperatures – and higher – on a daily basis, along with bollocks-deep monsoon rains – and parched-earth droughts during their six month dry seasons – and have still managed to survive as rural farming communities since time immemorial.
Well, for Gordon and his likely lads at the Ministry of Scaremongering, that’s one side of the story – and they’re sticking to it.
On the other side of the coin the iconic BBC – traditionally a body to faithfully tow the orthodox government line – has permitted its climate change correspondent to place his entire career in dire jeopardy by telling the truth – based on real science – and allowing him to publicly declare that global warming stopped in 1998 – and the entire global warming / greenhouse effect is a commercial scam – with the polar icecaps growing and getting thicker – not melting.
So, hang on a minute – if it’s not got any warmer and only got cooler since 1998 – how the f*ck did Al Bore get a Nobel Peace Prize for his A Convenient Pile of Bullshit movie based on faulty ‘Chicken Little’ science? – researched and engineered to order by the Institute for Scary Propaganda?
Perhaps much the same reasons as Barack Obama got his Nobel Peace Prize for committing more troops to Afghanistan, supporting Israel’s military assaults on Gaza and his bully-boy tactics of poking Iran with a sharp stick.
Editor’s Note: In case you’re wondering or confused by our satirical take on the matter, global climate change is indeed a very real thing, and no matter how much the polluters put out propaganda, and now matter what public opinion may be, it remains a very real, very pressing issue… Okay Rusty, refute me in the comments.