Congress: Health Care Reform to be Funded by Mysterious Nigerian Prince

Washington, DC: Congressional Representatives from both sides of the aisle celebrated today with the announcement of an offer to completely fund American health care reform via e-mail from a mysterious Nigerian prince.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters at a Capitol Hill news conference, initial contact with Prince D’Uod Mababe was made by Pelosi herself. “I was checking my e-mail in my office when I happened to glance on one that caught my attention,” disclosed Pelosi. “It was titled ‘Help Me in My Financial Distress,’ so naturally, I assumed it was a constituent and opened it. To my surprise, it was not a request for social services, but an offer of financial support!

“Prince Mababe is trapped in a horrible situation. He was illegally exiled from his homeland and vast financial resources by criminal elements within his own government. Now, not only can he not return to his home, he is unable to support his family because he has been denied access to his bank account and massive investment portfolios on a series of unsubstantiated corruption claims put forward by those who wish to halt his charity efforts to feed and educate Nigeria’s poorest children. His plea was simple, help me help the poor children, and I will make you rich in the process.”

Pelosi continued by saying that her initial contacts with Prince Mababe were met with skepticism, “[laughs] At first, the Prince thought that perhaps my inquiry was some kind of scam, or attempt by elements of the former Bush Administration, acting in concert with the Nigerian government, to entrap him in some trumped up charge of criminal wrong doing. It was only after we transferred several billion dollars worth of ‘good faith’ seed funds into the Prince’s accounts that he even agreed to talk to us. However, after these awkward moments, I am happy to say our relationship has made remarkable progress.

“Specifically, Prince Mababe has informed myself and select Congressional leaders that his wealth was far vaster than we had ever even imagined. In fact, Prince Mababe assures us that with the full backing of the United States government, our portion of the proceeds could be in excess of several trillion dollars, several times what would be required for a complete overhaul of the American health care system. All that would be required on our part is to allow the Prince unfettered access to Congressional Treasury Department accounts, so he can give us the money faster, and a well funded and coordinated attack on Nigeria for the purpose of returning the Prince to his rightful throne. With the financial windfall we should easily reap from this association, I consider all these conditions well worth the price.”

Surprising many Congressional insiders, House Minority Leader, John Boehner, expressed enthusiastic support for Speaker Pelosi’s plan. “At first, I was wary of the deal. You know, sounded too good to be true type thing. But, then I noticed that Prince Mababe opened his letter with, ‘My Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ.’ From that I can conclude nothing else than the Prince is a sincere man of faith who reflects the strong family values that the Republican Party stands for, and must be supported. Plus, Speaker Pelosi says that we will get to buy some more guns and stuff with the extra money! I can’t wait for that! And, as for invading Nigeria… Well, you know… There’s never been a war I didn’t like, so what’s one more?”

The White House praised Speaker Pelosi for her “tireless efforts to think outside the box and find innovative methods to provide the funding America needs so it can have the government it deserves.”

Author: Fuzzy Duffy

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