Washington, D.C. – It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. “While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at this point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,” said Lucy Lipsingships, Secretary of the House Decorum Committee.
The need for this action was spurred by two separate incidences where Republican lawmakers not only brought attention to their own inadequacies as human beings, but also ultimately created an embarrassment for their colleagues.
The first incident happened earlier this week when California Assemblyman, Mike Duvall, believing that he was having a private “kiss and tell” conversation with a fellow assemblyman, admitted not only to adultery, but to having two mistresses, one of which is identified as a lobbyist working for a large energy company. Without being aware he was being videotaped live during the legislative session, Duvall bragged about his prowess at spanking his mistress, stating, in a sultry voice to his captive audience, “who’s your daddy now, bitch?”
In an unrelated case out of Washington, D.C. this week, Representative Joe Wilson from South Carolina, who obviously suffers from some form of Tourette’s Syndrome, blurted out “you lie!” several times during President Obama’s speech to Congress. “Clearly, this was a case of not having the right equipment at the time to assure silence during Obama’s speech. We can think anything we want, and oftentimes do think some really bad stuff, but we don’t go around calling the President a liar, regardless of whether we believe him to be one,” said Dick Dickerson, a Republican senator who heads up the Republicans in 2030 exploratory committee.
A major manufacturer of duct tape has been contacted by the supervisor of the Republican National Procurement Committee, asking if it is possible to get several rolls of specially designed tape for the purpose of self-restraint. Although duct tape today comes in many different colors to match any Congressman’s suit, such as blue, grey or black, a pinstripe design for fall, as well as a seersucker design for spring, was said to have been requested. Although on back order, it should be ready and delivered in time for the next Presidential speech scheduled later this year.