Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers

Washington, D.C. – It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. “While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at this point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,” said Lucy Lipsingships, Secretary of the House Decorum Committee.

The need for this action was spurred by two separate incidences where Republican lawmakers not only brought attention to their own inadequacies as human beings, but also ultimately created an embarrassment for their colleagues.

The first incident happened earlier this week when California Assemblyman, Mike Duvall, believing that he was having a private “kiss and tell” conversation with a fellow assemblyman, admitted not only to adultery, but to having two mistresses, one of which is identified as a lobbyist working for a large energy company. Without being aware he was being videotaped live during the legislative session, Duvall bragged about his prowess at spanking his mistress, stating, in a sultry voice to his captive audience, “who’s your daddy now, bitch?”

In an unrelated case out of Washington, D.C. this week, Representative Joe Wilson from South Carolina, who obviously suffers from some form of Tourette’s Syndrome, blurted out “you lie!” several times during President Obama’s speech to Congress. “Clearly, this was a case of not having the right equipment at the time to assure silence during Obama’s speech. We can think anything we want, and oftentimes do think some really bad stuff, but we don’t go around calling the President a liar, regardless of whether we believe him to be one,” said Dick Dickerson, a Republican senator who heads up the Republicans in 2030 exploratory committee.

A major manufacturer of duct tape has been contacted by the supervisor of the Republican National Procurement Committee, asking if it is possible to get several rolls of specially designed tape for the purpose of self-restraint. Although duct tape today comes in many different colors to match any Congressman’s suit, such as blue, grey or black, a pinstripe design for fall, as well as a seersucker design for spring, was said to have been requested. Although on back order, it should be ready and delivered in time for the next Presidential speech scheduled later this year.

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at ISaidLaughDammit.blogspot.com.

12 thoughts on “Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers

  1. BKW…Love the new design and snappy is not the word (too mild but awesome is overused). Will re-establish my account in the near future (after typing wife #3’s coursework) when I can steal computer time from the local ComCol (kids destroyed my machine). Funnies I can work up ala “Gropenator” and “Prof. on Parole” from days of yore.

  2. Humanus, it is indeed me back at the helm. Do you like the site redesign? Pretty snappy, no? Took about twice as long as expected, but it’s been a worthwhile journey. There’s more flexibility for authors to submit satire too, so make an account and I’ll activate you so you can see the private, author’s-only section of the forums, and if you’ve got some funny, baby, I wanna see it.

  3. BobZaguy… duct tape is far less painfull than hot wax for crainal hair removal, however it is also less effective…..
    Patti, it does not stick well to the brain itself, but is quite effective in mending the skull.
    And Finally…
    Brian, Brian, Brian…. have you returned to the helm, really?? You may be hearing from me again, if you so wish.

  4. Amen n bless Patti – enjoy what’s left of your Sunday – 20:00 hours here – n dark – n Monday is tomorrow for folks who work for a boss that ain’t them.
    Talk next week.

  5. Strong stuff indeed. I’ve now picked my mind out of the gutter and have placed it firmly back on the sidewalk. lol

  6. Er actually no, Patti – it wasn’t utilising duct tape for BD/SM games that made me grin but more for fixing the damaged wing on a Piper Cub and sending off one of our company accountants into the wild blue yonder.
    Believe it or not they landed intact and safely at their destination.
    Strong stuff, eh.

  7. As this is a family satire forum I’m disinclined to make mention of some of the things I’ve used duct tape for – but on recollection they make me grin more so than hang my head in shame.

  8. I once put duct tape around my own head… not the best idea in retrospect, but then again, I’ve done some mighty incompetent things in my time.

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