Categorized | Technology

Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way

Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way

Dear Dink,

Do you know anything about computers? My computer is very slow. It often takes a minute or more to download images or video. I have tried to clean the cache and do a defrag, but whenever I try these my system crashes. I give up!

Hacked Off

Dear Off,

You’ve been looking at porn again haven’t you? Shame shame shame on you. Porn is bad and that is God’s way of striking you down, ha ha.

You could take your system to a computer repair shop to fix the motherboard. Unfortunately for you, the computer repair geek will see everything you have been up to, you know, the porn you have been looking, among other unscrupulous things, so you are totally hosed.

Fortunately for you, I can help. You need to wash your computer thoroughly. It is obviously unclean as a result of the large amount of porn you have been looking at and it is probably sick with a virus. First, fill up a washtub or bathtub full of water.

Then at 2 cups of bleach, awe screw it, dump the whole bottle of bleach in, it’s very dirty.  Then submerge your machine completely and scrub thoroughly with a sponge. I almost forgot, make sure it is not plugged in before you put it in the water; that would be bad. Just to be sure there is no electrical charge, remove the battery as well. And you may want to stand on rubber matt while washing.

Once you are done washing the machine, let it dry out for a few days. Don’t, and I mean don’t plug it in unless it is dried out completely, as I said, that would be very bad and injury or death could occur. Actually, you better not plug the machine in to a power source ever again.

Next, take it outside and throw it down on the road as hard as you can and stomp it with your feet until it is dismembered. A baseball bat or golf club would do the trick too. Then put it in a box and ship it back to the bastards who made the pile of garbage in the first place.

Well actually Ching Chong in China isn’t to blame; it is the engineers out in Silicon Valley who think they know how to design and program computers, so send it to them instead. Attach a note telling them you dug their computer out of the trash and decoded their hard drive, and now you know “everything” they have been up to, including the porn they have been looking at, and their plans to give machines artificial intelligence and take over the world.

Somewhere there are computer engineers laughing at our incompetence, well now they will laugh no more!


This post was written by

- who has written 29 posts on

Advice/humor columnist from Madison, WI. Yes, Madison is the birthplace of The Onion, but those hosers have nothing on Glossy News!


2 Responses to “Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way”

  1. Michelle Sanico says:

    I’m sad for Dink… Dink may take his system to a computer repair shop. Good luck dink

  2. Now that's convenient! Literally wash your computer is the trick…not! –


Leave a Reply

We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Check This Out! shop dresses online

Recommended Sportsbook

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial