Aztecs Slam “Typical Stupid Mayans” When World Fails to End

Many Aztecs throughout North and Central America rejoiced at the stroke of midnight December 22nd, 2012, as the world failed to end, in accordance with Mayan prophecy.

“Those stupid [beeping] Mayans. They’re just wrong about everything,” said Miguel Quattel, an Aztec living just south of Mexico City. “They were wrong about agriculture, they were wrong about the Spanish, and once again they came up stupid.”

While most agree the world did not end on December 22nd, some in the Mayan community are less convinced. We spoke with Hector Itzaitzaichichi, a Guatemalan veterinarian working in Mexico, and he explained it like this.

“No, the world did end. We’re all living in hell now. Or heaven. It kind of depends on your status and how you think things are going, but we’re totally in the afterlife.”

We paid a psychic in the south district $200 to tell us exactly what we wanted to hear, and she explained that, “The Mayan prophecy wasn’t just wrong, it was written by fools, read by bigger fools and believed by the biggest fools of all. And I should know, my whole business is a trade in suckers.”

Today is a great day of shame for the Mayan people. There have been calls to kick them out of the United Nations, to which the UN is now stating that they’ve never been a member. When doomsday prophesies go wrong, it seems everybody is willing to do a little revisionist history.