It began with video from a California news helicopter. A rapidly ascending object is seen leaving a con trail against the backdrop of a beautiful sunset, several miles offshore. Rampant speculation followed, amid Pentagon denials of any ‘Area 51’ type activity.
It now appears the Pentagon was telling the truth this time, and today dawns an uncertain new era in human history. Extraterrestrial life has been found; just not in the place we were looking.
Atlantis has claimed the missile launch, in a short video by famed Oceanographer Robert Ballard. What’s being called ‘The Atlantis Ultimatum’ hasn’t been released to the public, pending an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council. Experts predict once the video is available on the internet, it will be more popular than a baby dancing to Lady Gaga.
Glossy News has obtained a top secret NSA summary of the Atlantis Ultimatum, so take that Wiki-leaks.
The video shows a middle-aged man who identifies himself as Aqua-Man. Sources close to the story say the King of Atlantis looks a lot like Kevin Costner actually. Although audio quality is poor, coming across as ‘glub glub blub glub’ a transcript written in waterproof ink accompanied the video.
In the rambling manifesto, Aqua-Man first explains how Atlantis began its missile program. Jettisoned booster sections from the Apollo program were salvaged in Florida waters, and sunken Soviet submarines were of much aid too. The major complaint repeated several times appears to be that we land dwellers, or ‘dry-backs’ as Atlanteans call us, won’t keep our garbage on land.
“You have the Sahara Desert, the Gobi and all of Siberia too. All that land mass at your disposal to use for, well disposal, but you idiots insist on polluting the Oceans! The only dry-back I can recall who was worth his salt was that Jacques Cousteau guy. He was all right; we liked him.”
After several minutes during which Aqua-Man points out scientific errors in ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea’ and offers that ‘Flipper’ was a really dumb show, the diatribe takes an ominous tone.
“We are a peaceful people. The rocket was meant to get your attention, but it’s our last warning. Keep your garbage on land from now on. We’ve had enough; we’re not going to swim for it anymore.”
Sponge Bob Square Pants could not be reached for comment.