Washington, DC – 52 year old Robert Freed was blind-sided today when he walked into work and found a pink slip taped to his locker. After 23 years as an assemblyman at the GM truck plant in Dearborn Michigan, he never expected to be the last man left working in America, and now, finally, the last man laid off.
“I guess I’m lucky since I was the Union President and held onto my job longer than the rest of the guys. I mean, what could I do…Strike?”
With unemployment now at 100%, President Barack Obama has decided to keep all Americans on unemployment compensation indefinitely, and promises to further investigate the popular idea of having everyone just work for the government in the future!
“I kinda like being the boss,” says Obama after signing a bill that leagalzes the KGB and Gestapo as an official investigative arm of the Treasury Department’s IRS. “I also like that I’m getting paid real big bucks too, and you’re not!”
All across America, everything has stopped and everyone is staying at home. Banks have stopped sending out foreclosure notices since all employees are now a thing of the past! Credit card companies are closed. The phone companies stopped functioning months ago.
Fire, police, and civil employees wait for unemployment checks that will never arrive simply because mailmen have been laid off as well, and no banks are in business to cash checks!
From his vacation home in trendy Martha’s Vineyard, Obama has promised a large fireworks celebration in a ‘Keep American Spirits High’ celebration that is expected to draw large crowds, even though the government hasn’t explained where the fireworks are coming from and how people are supposed to see the celebration with all power off and mass transportation at a standstill.
First Lady Michelle Obama addressed the current situation by having her staff send a bouquet of fresh, imported roses to Mr. Freed, relaying her condolences and promised as soon as she gets back from her month long vacation in Paris, she’ll invite the Freed family over for a luncheon at the White House. The luncheon is to be exclusively catered by the famous makers of SPAM, who will demonstrate to all who attend the luncheon that the potted meat can be successfully used as a turkey replacement this holiday season.
The First Lady regrettfully won’t be in attendance as she has a prior luncheon committment with singer Barbara Striesand.
News agencies are reporting, that for the first time in history, people are crossing the Rio Grande southward. Millions have trekked from the North in massive migration waves looking to find work in Mexico, and are driving the Mexicans crazy with their English-only demands.
In response to the mass flight, Obama has directed the remnants of the ACORN organization to set up ‘Administration Lemonade Stands’ at border crossing points to offer humanitarian help to those with parched throats. The lemonade is not free, since ACORN is charging $10.50 per cup….Cash only!
Homeland Security is helping with all southern migrants. There is a departure tax of $100.00 being leveled on each person who crosses the Rio Grande. The TSA, citing humanitarian reasons, has promised to forego all body searches and the use of strip x-ray machines for those traveling southward, but forbids removing more than $500 US per person which will violate recently instituted monetary laws.
The Administration claims it will now be outsourcing all future citizenship once dissatisfied Americans leave and head south. The first influx of replacement citizens is expected to arrive by boat from places like Bengladesh, North Korea, and Sudan in mid-November. Obama cites ‘too many people always complaining about something’ for his action on forcing out all unemployed and complaining citizens. Obama promises a speedy road to a Green Card, and agents are actually passing them out, along with little American flags, as immigrants step off the boat.
Administration and White House aides have placed the blame squarely on FOX News for the influx of citizens leaving for Mexico, citing the devisive nature of their reporting and the recent government accounting of having ‘way too many blonde reporters’ as well.
FOC has promised to hire some of the Sudanese immigrants to raise the Darker Threshold mandated by the Administration.
At last report, Mr. Freed found the SPAM delicious and took home a few free cans, as well as, a few choice pieces of White House silverware.