In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.
The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off.
With Thanksgiving fast approaching, leaders from several travel industry groups expressed concerns that passengers will avoid air travel altogether rather than submit to the new, highly invasive, potentially life-threatening security and molestation measures.
Or rather, the Unified Theory of Superman.
“He has the power of x-ray vision. He’s fast. He’s here to protect the homeland and, more importantly, he can scan people without any danger of radiation exposure. Plus everyone likes Superman,” Napolitano explained.
Industry leaders immediately praised the move, however insisting on using air quotes while saying the word “praise” or the phrase “good idea.” Meanwhile, grassroots groups protested, saying that it was at best a delaying tactic, and didn’t address any long-term solutions for aviation security, or passenger comfort.
“Superman? Seriously?” asked a screener at SeaTac International Airport, who not only requested not to be named, but covered her badge during the entire interview. “That’s got to be about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard [and I work for the TSA.]”
Superman, reached at his headquarters outside the town of Barrow, Alaska, suggested he might be amenable to the idea. “I look forward to working with the DHS, TSA, and the airline industry to protect our citizens from harm.”
Passenger reaction was mixed, but most welcomed the idea of being ogled by the Krypton Man. For those choosing to be opted-away from the gaze of Superman, a lead-based body may or may not be provided (security protocol prohibits disclosure of any procedures, real or imagined, so we couldn’t secure confirmation.)
Those passengers declining the man of steel’s x-ray gaze will still be required to submit to the traditional enhanced pat-down procedure.
Some worry that Lex Luthor might join forces with al Qaeda to thwart the effort by planting operatives with kryponite in airports, however, DHS officials dismissed the idea as, “highly unlikely”, citing the fact that “Superman, like our current terrorist threats, are largely things of pure imagination.”
Glossy News fact checkers made more than 70 calls seeking comment from experts in the field of nuclear medicine to determine the health risks of a Superman X-Ray, but as of time of press, none were willing to return our calls.