UN Ponders Cloning Extinct Wooly Mammoths as New Global Food Source

United Nations- New York City – (SatireWorld.com)

The United Nations Special Committee on Global Nutrition has partnered with Nickoli Butechefski, a noted Russian genome theorist, in developing a strain of DNA to be used in cloning an extinct species for a possible new global food source.

Dr. Butechefski has devoted almost 35 years in the recovery of frozen Wolly Mammoth remains from the Siberian tundra, many of which are in a remarkable state of preservation. In the last 15 years, Butechefski has taken thousands of DNA samples and is ready to begin cloning the Mammoth by inseminating DNA into an Indian Elephant female.

“I feel we would have a 98% chance of full success in the re-birth of an extinct species. In one to two years, we could have as many as 3,500 full fledged mammoths on the planet for re-location,” says Butechefski at a symposium on DNA matrix held in London’s Albert Hall.

PHOTO INSERT: The UN global nutrition experts feel commercially produced mammoth meat could forestall a global shortage of cheap protien and help save the oceans.

The American mammoth (scientific name Mammut americanum) roamed North America from at least 3.75 million to 11,000 years ago. Mammoths are members of the order Proboscidea the same as modern elephants. As adults they stood between 8-10 feet at the shoulder and weighed 4-6 tons as adults.

Mammoths became extinct approximately 11,000 years ago. Today, paleontologists are trying to understand why and are looking forward to their re-introduction so they can better research their grazing and mating patterns.

UN research dietician Dr. Ungube Motoboto says the relative ease of cloning and the vast amount of protien potential in each beast would benefit all mankind as an important alternative to over fished seas. Motoboto recently made a statement at the University of St. Petersburg…”We see that important fishery sources like tuna and whale are vastly depleted, now with an animal the size of a mammoth, we can truly feed the world’s hungry.”

US researchers are taking the innovative food source a bit further by participating in a feasibilty study completed by Cal Tech in which cloned mammoths could be made smaller and more compact so they could craze in public areas such as New York City’s Central Park, and Chicago’s Lincoln Park.

According to Lester Phillips, a professor emeritus with Columbia University, “People could hunt their own food source without traveling far from home. In places like Chicago where gun violence is at an all time high, better targets could be provided sparing innocent humans, plus adding nutrious meat products to their family’s table.”

Corporate America has taken notice as well. Seeing vast profits in cheap meat, several meat processors have pledged to develop and position around the country innovative credit card operated slaughter houses where a carcass could be loaded in one end and wrapped meat exit the other end.

“It would decrease the annoyance factor of having neighbors hanging a mammoth carcass in their front yard to be butchered and bothering neighbors who just might be vegan,” says Rob Swartz, president of Dino-Matic Processing.

American clothing designers see a watershed as far as inexpensive sources for wool and leather. Ralph Lauren suggests a re-birth in leather and woolen fashion once a cheaper source is in place.

“Each trunk could possible supply at least two pairs of trousers and the wool alone from a mature male could result in over two dozen warm sweaters,” says Martha Elkhorn, director of design for Lauren Industries.

Food giants like the McDonald’s Corporation carefully observed the trend of adding extinct species to the world’s menu and have begun plans to clone other extinct species such as dinosaurs which would quadruple the protien harvest over even a large mammoth, with yields expected to be in the tens of tons per animal. Dubbed ‘The McDino,’ marketing sources at the McDonald’s Corporation have pre-patented trade names like…’Dino-Wurst’…’Dino Nuggets’…’Bronto-Shakes’…and the ‘Fred Flintstone Happy Meal.’

PETA was unavailable for comment when our reporter called to ask about their feelings on the current research.


5 comments on “UN Ponders Cloning Extinct Wooly Mammoths as New Global Food Source

  1. Wow, just goes to show how stupid the UN is. “We can truly feed the worlds hungry”

    Uh hello? The rich are the ones who buy and eat tuna and whale. That would just increase the demand for these two commodities and bump up the price. How is that supposed to help?

    I am all for mammoth meat but this isn’t going to stop the depletion of tuna/whale.

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