Enraged at Donald Trump’s failed political career, scores of angry investors screwed out of millions in campaign dollars converged on Trump’s limo outside a district court, pulled him from the vehicle and strangled him to death with his own comb-over. But mere hours after his untimely demise, Donald Trump was resurrected from Hell and sent to ABC to pitch Satan’s newest reality show concept, The Devil’s Apprentice. ABC executives agreed in principle to a limited run of The Devil’s Apprentice and sent Trump to roam the earth in search of a select group of self-centered contestants evil enough to make this spin-off of The Apprentice franchise equally as successful.
Using ultra-high-technology available only to the super-rich and supernatural powers spawned in Hell itself, Trump disappeared in thick, black smoke, returning mere seconds later with contestants harkening from assorted black arts and willing to sign their soul away to The Devil for the opportunity to appear on television. The 12 contestants were split into two teams that will clash in weekly competitions for the possibility of being named the “Devil’s Apprentice” and ruling a minor backwater Domain in Hell. The losers are simply fired and cast into a bottomless pit to face an eternity of torment.
And the show appears to be off to a Hell of a start. Using his vast power over time and space, Trump abbreviated a week long shooting schedule to a few hours and delivered the finished product even before the first promos were outlined. “This show is going to be awesome! Believe it or not, the new, demonic Trump is less arrogant than before. But he makes up for that with a newly developed wicked sense of humor, ” said the show’s producer Mark Burnett. “When Trump fires somebody now, they REALLY get fired, you know what I mean? And it’s not everyday you can go from concept to pilot episode in less than a week. All hail Satan!”
The premiere episode introduced the team members and announced their first task: name their respective teams. Team 1 opted for the confident sounding “We Got Baals”, while Team 2 chose the less overtly obnoxious and more subtly sinister “Hades, Inc.” Their second task was to plan and execute a satanic commercial designed to torment as many souls as possible during the coming professional basketball playoffs.
“We Got Baals” selected Jennifer Lopez for a live Jello commercial and plotted a wardrobe malfunction involving a daring derrière display that was calculated to unleash the Dark Side upon the world. Using powerful black magic and advanced power tools, “Baals’ managed to stuff 60 gallons of J. Lo’s Jello into a 55 gallon pair of tight leather pants. Tossing in the catch-phrase, “There’s always room for Jello…Oops, I guess not!” the trap was set.
“Hades, Inc”, meanwhile, employed a more direct approach featuring Newt Gingrich and Twisted Sister pitching adult diapers. “If THAT doesn’t make a lot of core conservatives and liberals alike pee their pants, I don’t know what will,” said Project Manager Annakiya Duvalier, a High Voodoo Priestess from Haiti. The concept of Twisted Sister wearing diapers was creepy enough, but Newt closing his eyes for a few seconds, then smiling at the camera, saying, “I’m wearing them right now,” was a grotesque twist on the theme.
After both teams pitched their ideas to a panel of evil network executives, the ad by “Hades, Inc.” was declared the most diabolical, while “We Got Baals’ was called into the Boardroom to determine who would be the first soul cast into the fiery Pit. “While J. Lo’s butt bursting from those pants like a pimple was truly disturbing, it failed to compare to the dark imagery of Newt relieving himself with that don’t-give-a-damn attitude,” said Trump.
After a brief but futile defense, dark warlock and Project Manager Tim Llewellyn was selected for sacrifice. Set afire by a horned and hoofed Trump as The Pit opened beneath his chair, Tim fell in flames, screaming in torment and disappearing into the Darkness below as Trump danced around on the table, laughing maniacally.
“Except for the ‘special effects’ this show went pretty much like the previous three Apprentice shows,” said Mark Burnett. The first episode garnered 25.1 million viewers overall and 10.9 rating/25 share in the “possessed adults, 18-49” demographic. However, some ABC executives are worried about possibly litigation from injuries and mental anguish incurred by the show’s participants. But, Trump countered those fears by pointing out, “They all signed waivers, so they can just go to Hell! We can do any damned thing we want to them. Besides, who’s going to sue the patron saint of all lawyers anyway?”