Web-Surfing Chimp Target of Porno Spam

Charlie, a chimpanzee owned by animal psychologist Mary Lively, celebrated his 6th birthday by sending text messages on his very own laptop. The computer was specially designed for Charlie by Apeco Technologies at the urging of Lively after she had noticed that Charlie took an unusual interest in her computer while she did research.

Expanding on already established research done at Ohio State University, where chimpanzees have been learning to read for years, Lively set out to learn whether or not a chimpanzee can first learn syntax (the stringing together of words to form a complete thought) and then be able to use that knowledge to surf the web and send text messages.

“So far, we are quite encouraged,” she said.

The laptop that was specifically designed for Charlie, dubbed the “JungleBook,” automatically provides words for pictures that Charlie selects on the screen, thus allowing him to form simple sentences. For instance, if Charlie selected pictures of a reaching hand, a banana, and a mouth, the resulting sentence would say, “I would like a banana to eat.”

Charlie can then take the sentence, hit the special highlighting button, and then hit the specific “Send to Mary” button, and his request will automatically be sent to Lively’s computer.

“The learning curve is huge,” said Lively, “but we are confident that Charlie will find his voice little by little.”

One anomaly that Lively finds interesting is the fact that Charlie’s inbox is overflowing with spam, most of it urging him to visit various porn sites.

“I have to check Charlie’s laptop several times a day to make sure he isn’t exposed to any media, especially explicit photos, that would confuse him and compromise the progress he is making,” said Lively. “Already we are seeing him using new, inappropriate signs, like balling up his hands into fists, holding them at his sides, and thrusting his pelvis in a ‘to and fro’ in a highly suggestive manner.”

Although many of the messages from Charlie that land in Lively’s inbox are not yet easily understood—“touch to chest woman” and “unlock mother control no child”—she truly believes Charlie is communicating with her, and she is hopeful that before long they will be able to communicate as easily as anyone else.

“When that day comes,” says Lively, “we’re going to set Charlie up with his very own Facebook page.”

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at ISaidLaughDammit.blogspot.com.

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