DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

A large bone fragment of Adolf Hitler’s skull has been revealed as being that of a woman, according to the latest forensic tests carried out in the US by Princeton’s prestigious Institute of Advanced Guessology.

The section of bone – marked with a bullet hole through the right temporal squamus – was used to support the theory that Hitler shot himself after taking cyanide.

Forensic scientists claim the skull fragment was found alongside Hitler’s jawbone and other skeletal bits and pieces in the Berlin Fuhrerbunker’s garden – lying in a shell crater where his and Eva Braun’s supposedly slain bodies had been burned with gasoline then ravaged by flocks of famished starlings attracted by the smell of the recent barbeque.

On 29 April, Hitler dictated his will and political statement to his private secretary, Traudi Minge.
Hans Krabbs, Wilhelm Buttfukk, Joseph Gerbils and Manky Martin Boring witnessed this last will and testament – in which Hitler actually left Germany to Josef Stalin and his Cheerful Communist Utopia as a personal apology for the Siege of Leningrad.

April 30th had apparently been an all-round bad news day for the Fuhrer – with first receiving a humungous gas bill for Auschwitz and then word that his big Italian buddy Benny Mussolini had been chopped into bite-sized portions by disaffected partisans at Lake Como – and Russian troops were enjoying coffee and strudel at a café around the corner from the Reich Chancellery itself.

On hearing this Hitler went out into the garden with Eva, shot her through the head, then bit down on a cyanide capsule and shot himself in the skull also.
Their deceased bodies were doused in low carbon ‘green’ ersatz gasoline and set aflame by SS Sturmbannfuhrer Otto Grunge before the Fuhrerbunker was abandoned in the face of advancing Soviet troops.

Grunge’s later statements to Allied intelligence debriefing officers confirm that he personally oversaw the pair’s love-pact felo-de-se and that they definitely did not flee Berlin and Germany – via Switzerland and the Vatican – destination Argentina – the previous day on the well-established Bormann Brotherhood Odessa escape route.

Conversely US scientists now claim the DNA tests reveal the skull fragment actually belonged to a woman aged between 55 and 56 – the same age as Hitler when he is supposed to have committed suicide.

Doubts about exactly how Hitler died – if at all – have persisted for decades. The myth of him being run over and killed by a Soviet ice cream van while nipping out for a pack of Pol Pot insta-noodles have long been dismissed as fantasy.
Same too with the ridiculous fiction he and top Nazi cadres regrouped at a secret base in Antarctica and trained the Ross Island penguins to be SS storm troopers.

More substance was claimed in rumours he did escape to South America with his clique of henchmen. The upper echelon Nazis who were snuffed or ended up at Nuremberg (Goering, Himmler, Ribbentrop, Hess and Streicher etc) were the ones he personally blamed for his Thousand Year Third Reich only lasting from 1933 to 1945 – a full 988 years short of its forecast shelf life.

So did Hitler escape the ruins of the Fatherland to lay the foundations of his all-new Fourth Reich – what many political analysts claim is today’s emerging New World Order – with neo-Nazis heading the elite Illuminati ranks?

Regardless, today’s revelations concerning the skull fragment’s DNA have simply resurrected and fuelled decades of suppressed speculation that Hitler was actually a mad manic menopausal Austrian Hausfrau transvestite– who loved to wear a uniform and jackboots – and sport a Charlie Chaplin moustache – and by reasons of her relationship with Eva Braun – was also a lesbian to boot.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com