Middle School Students Elect New Jesus Figure

Russetville, KY (GlossyNews) — Voting with their fists, the students of Dick Armey Middle School in Russetville, Kentucky have elected Denny Flutcher their Jesus Figure. The results of the one-sided election were obvious last afternoon, when Jesus figure runner-up, Leo Stinsky, was seen alongside a group of other boys beating Flutcher to a pulp.

Even the teachers are in on it now that it’s in the open and the election is finally over. Most turn their back when they see the religious ceremony begin. It usually starts with a push, or maybe a kick, then a hard shove followed by a right cross directly to Flutcher’s face. All the sins, insecurity, fear, shame and guilt of early adolescence are bestowed upon Flutcher for up to eight hours daily, saving the perpetrators from tarnation.

In a conversation with the school counselor, who is well aware of the latest election results, I asked, “What is this all about? You are all adults-You can see this happening.”

The counselor replied that, “An ignorant society that’s running on base instincts must have a scapegoat, or a Jesus figure, to place their fear of the unknown. But in this case, the conduit for laying sins on the Jesus is violence instead of prayer. There is not much we can do but watch. It is actually better that we have a Jesus figure. It creates structure. Things get chaotic when society searches for another one. And nobody wants to be the Jesus in a middle school, including me. Only a crazy person would want to be Jesus.”

She went on to say “You know, some of the worst perpetrators are kids of the most religious families in town. I guess those kids had the Jesus concept pounded into their heads for so long they don’t realize they’re physically acting it out. As long as people keep thinking like that without realizing what they’re doing, society-and middle schools-will be this way. My goodness, we’ve built huge monuments to this behavior called churches and it’s the root of our entire capitalist structure. Someone must lose. And someone must go to hell. And we’ll always need a scapegoat for our insecurity and fear. Or a Jesus, like poor Denny.”

As lunchtime arrives, the Passion of Denny Flutcher is evident as he alone walks the gauntlet to the cafeteria. Students line both sides of the hall to spit on him, call him names and strike or kick him if he gets close enough. The twelve or so students who feel sorry for him fail to speak out lest they become targets themselves.

Next week Denny Flutcher is coming to school with a pistol and is going to kill as many students who bullied him as possible. He’ll be a remembered as a really bad person while his tormentors will be recognized for the good Christians they were, because after all, Jesus is supposed to take it-isn’t that how the story goes?

Author: TawdrySoup.Com

I am a satire writer from the middle of nowhere. My work appears all over the internet. Please visit my website www.tawdrysoup.com where we give away millions of dollars every day! CHEERS!

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