Captain’s Log: Stardate 2265- Captain James T. Kirk speaking –
The following disturbing incidents occurred verbatim as I have recorded them here below-
At 18:45 and 33 seconds Caldushian time I was approached by Science Officer Spock with a report-
Spock: Captain, I wish to discuss with you a disturbing development.
Myself: Yes Spock, what is it?
Spock: I have discovered the most illogical trend coming about in my conversations with Lieutenant Sulu.
Myself: What is he saying?
Spock: It is not only what he is saying but how he is saying it, sir. He will make a statement that is nonsensical, then smile broadly as though it were the most profound thing ever said. It usually refers to something that is occurring at the moment, but certain words and phrases in his statements are out of context and make sense in one aspect, but then in another sense don’t make any sense. Does that make sense to you Captain?
Myself: I’m afraid I’m not understanding what you are saying.
Spock: That is exactly what I am experiencing with Sulu.
Myself: Could you give me an example of what he says?
Spock: It all started about a week ago. He stopped me on the way to the cafeteria and said “Watch out for the hot-dogs today! They are the absolute wurst!” He then walked away chuckling to himself.”
Myself: Hmmmm. What else did he say?
Spock: Another time he said to me as I returned from the men’s room “I hope you wiped out all the Klingons on Uranus! “ and almost fell over himself laughing. It is most illogical Captain.
Myself: I think I am beginning to see what is happening. Where there more, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Oh, plenty Captain. They were so strange that they stick in my mind firmly. Just yesterday he said to me “What is the difference between a Kim Kardashian and a Gul Cardassian?” Stunned by this odd question I answered a very un-Vulcanlike answer- “I don’t know!” To which he gave me a very peculiar “A capital K, an h, an extra s and two big boobs!” for an answer.
This morning in passing he said “How many Tribbles does it take to screw in a light bulb?”Again, the nonsensical nature of the question stifled me and he replied “Tribbles don’t need light bulbs to screw in, they screw wherever they want.” Very strange, sir.
Myself: I can see your confusion, Mr. Spock. It seems that Lt. Sulu is bombarding you with jokes and puns.
Spock: Jokes and puns? I am aware of this strange verbal communication that humans have concerning a form of speech called ‘jokes’ that seem to greatly amuse some members of your species. I have never understood them or was able to recognize their value, but I know that humans put great stock in them, sometimes even devoting whole books and films to them. But as far as what ‘puns’ are, I have no information whatsoever on them.
Myself: Puns reverse the meanings of words in a supposedly humorous form. It is a play on speech that is considered funny to some.
Spock: Funny? I am not able to understand this at all. There are just some forms of human endeavor that are totally inconceivable to me.
Myself: Don’t worry Spock, They are beyond a lot of humans too. Oh, here he comes now.
Sulu: Hello Captain, good day Mr. Spock! Is this where the party for smarties is?
Spock: (eyebrows knit in concern) Party for smarties? No, I have heard of no such thing.
Sulu: (Laughs) Oh, Mr. Spock, you crack me up!
Spock: (Shocked at this reply) Oh, I apologize if I have damaged you in some way!
Sulu: (Laughing) Oh, Spock! You are such a card. The Jack of Spades in fact. In my deck he had pointy ears too!
Spock looks totally befuddled.
Myself: What Lt. Sulu is trying to say is that he finds you humorous, Mr. Spock. He is using slang.
Spock: Slang! Yet another aspect of human dialogue that I cannot understand.
Sulu: Yes, some people say I am a very punny guy! (He laughs again).
Spock: Punny guy….??
Myself: Spock, don’t think about it! It will only drive you mad!
Spock: Not think?! That is absolutely illogical!
Sulu: I can do slang with a bang! I can rap like a sap with a cap who gets hit by an electric zap! I can be so funny when I’m punny that even a bunny would give me money!
Spock: (lowers his head into his hand) I am getting a horrific headache.
Sulu: A headache is just a pain in the main brain that knows no refrain and is our bane as it drives us insane…
Spock: (In agony) AAAAAAggghhhhhh!!!! This is worse than a Romulan attack……..
Myself: (I go between them to console Spock): Try not to let it get to you Spock! Pull yourself together.
Spock (speaking between his hands in great pain): I am together! I cannot be any other ways. Oh, Supreme Being, what was I thinking to come down here and work among HUMANS!!!!! Oh…..my poor brain…..
Myself: Lt. Sulu, I must request that you stop with these whimsical puns and jokes. Spock is half Vulcan and simply cannot process them. It doesn’t make sense to him.
Sulu: It doesn’t make cents to him? How about if I try to make dollars instead? Oh Captain, I am just trying to make a “change” in him! (He giggles to himself) I am trying to appeal to his better half. (He laughs joyously). Now, is he a soul half full of Vulcan thoughts or a soul half empty of human emotions?
Myself: (Talking into Communicator) Bones, could you get down here on the double with aspirins for Spock and a tranquilizer for Sulu? Also bring a couple guards with you? You’ll be taking Lieutenant Sulu back with you for a little ‘down time’ in sick bay. Be sure to use the strapped gurney and duct tape. Got it? OK! Thank you!
Sulu: Oh my, it looks like I got myself into a pickle because they are so fickle and its going to be a dill one!