MTV Promises to Literally Double Gross by 2015

MTV, long known as the first choice in late-night music and regular hours infomercials and reality porn-fer-tainment has set an ambitious goal; to double their gross by 2015, and they’re committed to scraping the gross bottom of the barrel to make it happen.

“We’re thinking maybe a show about sexy little people who are also mentally challenged, or a show about sufferers of gigantism who have very small genitalia, but very high sex drives,” said MTV president Stephen K. Friedman. “That would easily be twice as gross, right?”

“Viacom has already set the bar pretty low on gross,” said Margaret Goldstien, an industry analyst, “but if there’s anyone who knows how to knock that bar down twice as far in a few months of production, it’s MTV.”

House mom and random shopper at Wal-Mart took a minute to tell us from the comfort of her motor scooter that she “would never let her innocent [but convicted and pregnant] kids watch that trash,” adding, “We’re a wholesome, God fearing family.”

Industry experts specializing in reality television have a unique take. “These guys haven’t just lowered the bar to the point of non-existence, they’ve got throngs of idiots lining up to limbo below the actual grade like crab walking horror movie freaks.”

In the coming season, MTV has promised “shows so depraved, even you guys won’t see it coming,” and saying, “this time, they won’t end up magically rich like those Jersey idiots did. That was just plain oversight.”


Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.