Categorized | Politics

Emergency Rooms Filled with Victims of Thumb Amputations

Emergency Rooms Filled with Victims of Thumb Amputations

Hospitals and 911 phone banks were overwhelmed Saturday night when 16% of the nation lost its thumbs. “It was mass chaos,” said Doctor Anne Fulbright at Dallas General Hospital.

“All of sudden all these thumbless white people showed up spurting blood all over the place.” Nurse Socket, a thirty-three year veteran of the emergency room, nodded in agreement. “We just wrapped their hands and kept at it until we were using bed sheets.”

A spokesman for the FBI Agent Dick Teck said, “The tragedy at first seemed limited, but as it spread and more areas reported we quickly saw the correlation that all of the states were primarily red states like all of Idaho except for Moscow and small enclaves in Blue states like Bakersfield in California.”

A Heritage Foundation spokesman, speaking from a hospital bed just inside the Belt Way said, “This is very clearly a liberal plot to control voting and rig elections so that Obama can be elected without even running. Seems logical, so we are calling for hearings and his immediate impeachment so we can stop him from running for an unprecedented third term.”

As the victims calmed down due to painkillers and time many reported the same triggering event. Butch Holler of Waco, Texas summed it up best.

“Well. We was all just sitting around watching the tv when that doll on Fox News Anna Kooiman reported the liar in Chief supported evolution and said something that chimpanzees had opposable thumbs too. Well, we was like, no way we’re going to cotton to that notion. No thumbs, no evolution and that goes double if that America hating Obama supports thumbs. First that Bill Nye and now this! We couldn’t get them off fast enough. No way liberals going to make monkeys out of us.”

A night for the record books,” Nurse Socket said. “I’ve never seen so much senselessness in all my life, and I was here when Tony Romo fumbled the snap to lose to the Seattle Seahawks.”

Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) shows his solidarity by severing his own thumbs, vestigial, since he's never figured out what they're for. (Image courtesy of M.J. Carlucci.)

Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) shows his solidarity by severing his own thumbs, vestigial, since he’s never figured out what they’re for. (Image courtesy of M.J. Carlucci.)

The stands empty at Texas Motor Speedway as throngs of self-amputee NASCAR fans make their way to nearby hospitals. (Image courtesy of M.J. Carlucci.)

The stands empty at Texas Motor Speedway as throngs of self-amputee NASCAR fans make their way to nearby hospitals. (Image courtesy of M.J. Carlucci.)

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This post was written by

- who has written 8 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Jerry D. Mathes II is a Jack Kent Cooke Scholar alumnus. He is the author of The Journal West: Poems, an essay collection, Fever and Guts: A Symphony, and a memoir, Ahead of the Flaming Front: A Life on Fire, about his experiences fighting wildfire. He has received Special Mention for Fiction in The Pushcart Prize XXXI, XXXIV and XXXV along with several other nominations, had an essay listed as notable in Best American Essays, a story listed as notable in Best of the West, as well as other awards. He loves his two daughters very much.


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