Categorized | Politics, Television

Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China

Romney Threatens to Fire  Crowley, Crowd, and China

VILLAGE OF HAMPSTEAD, NEW YORK- The second presidential debate was the scene of chaos as Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney threatened to fire the moderator, debate participants, and an entire nation on Tuesday night.

Mitt Romney suffered a severe short circuit from over clocking his platform processor, a microchip that allows him to process his policy changes quickly.

This lead to an inevitable overload when Romney was presented with paradoxes, like what he was told to be truth from trusted advisers, could actually be wrong.

During the overload, Romney’s memory was reset and forced to recall a previous memory data back up to a position he felt more comfortable with, and threatened to fire moderator and host of State of the Union host Candy Crowley.

“We don’t completely know how his default setting was to fire, but we are trying to figure that out now and get him fixed,” explains Matt Rhodes, senior Romney campaign adviser.

The GOP has actually sent Romney back to Salt Lake City to have his Mormon circuitry analyzed.

“It would have been enough if he had just stopped at firing Crowley,” said Republican representative and prototype robot Eric Cantor (R-VA). “He didn’t have to go and try to fire the crowd too.”

“He just turned on us,” said first debate participant Jeremy Epstein. “His eyes glowed red, and then he just started firing us, one after another. I wondered how he was going to get me off my shift at Ben & Jerry’s. He doesn’t know my shift supervisor.”

Mitt Romney actually manages to fire more than a billion people out of their low income manufacturing jobs. Mitt Romney fired China in an impressive mass firing, by relieving them of their contractual obligations to American industries.

Gallup daily tracking polls indicate that binders full of women are outraged, as Romney fired them from their careers and ordered them to work in the home again.

“I assure the nation, that it was a simple malfunction in the Republican presidential nominee, and we will prevail in November!” said Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan, before he explained away his superior accounting and calculating capabilities.

When asked about the incident, Vice President Joe Biden told reporters “Did you see that thing? Woah. He just went off. You gotta respect his machine like consistency. I mean, firing China? Who saw that coming?”

Mitt Romney even went so far as to threaten the President of the United States with being fired from his job.

President Obama declined to comment as he entered the presidential limousine was seen celebrating with a bottle of champagne with Michelle Obama, Will I Am, and Ben Affleck.

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- who has written 44 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

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6 Responses to “Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China”

  1. Brian K. White says:

    Well, Romney has said he likes being able to fire people. Not illegals though, he hasn’t hired them in YEARS. I mean, he can’t have illegals working for him, he’s running for office for Pete’s sake… how many Romneyisms did I just nail?

  2. Bill Bill says:

    Romney should back pedal all day long to try to get out of this madness. He got his backside handed to him in this debate, so spin spin spin.

  3. James Meyer says:

    Well this article is another obligatory Liberal response to help cover up the inept Media attempt to cover up the Candy Crowley’s lie that was pre-planned to throw Romney off his game in front of a cheering ,clapping shouting bunch of undecided Democrat audience.

  4. James Meyer says:

    Bill Bill, your an idiot

  5. Brian K. White says:

    Wow James, you are just plain precious. “your an idiot”??? Really? His an idiot?

    You need to read the transcript. It couldn’t have been more obvious.

  6. Mike Kelly says:

    James! You know your mother doesn’t allow you on the computer at night. Get off that thing right now before they increase your dosage level.

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