Vatican Ruthlessly Canonizes Ungrateful Dead Infidel

A scandalous leaked document from the Vatican highlights an utterly disgraceful and absolutely unbelievable lapse of judgment on the part of top Church authorities…

One which will almost certainly make the Church’s reputation plummet to unprecedented depths.

But what is it?

Well, falsely assuming that his setting of the Mass in B Minor was a sign of his deep piety of and his unconditional devotion and loyalty to the Church, the Catholic Church once accidentally made a Saint out of the Lutheran composer Johann Sebastian Bach.


Some years ago, cardinals were very much distraught at this perfectly understandable error, and asked if the ecumenical provisions of Vatican II might ‘just about’ stretch to retaining the accidental canonisation of a non-Catholic.

But Pope Benedict stood firm. It couldn’t be done. Period.

Understandably, Catholic leaders are distraught at this new situation, completely unprecedented in Canon Law. One Cardinal informed me in private that it is simply not possible to revoke canonisation retrospectively.

Yes, no matter what someone does, even if they are a luxurious apostate with a taste for feisty MILFS and play-away cougars, Rick Astley records, pineapple fritters, pretentious art-deco, tedious US sitcoms or just frivolous material luxuries and fripperies in general, there’s just no going back.

Yet, my source adds that it is also surely impermissible to have a non-Catholic being a Saint:

I mean, if this is to stand, we might have to canonise other great, virtuous and saintly figures such as:

Buddha, Quetzalcoatl, Sri Krishna, Mungai, Amaterasu, Laozi, Adi Shankara, Hercules, Guru Nanak…

Maybe even Gandalf or Tyrion Lannister?

And if we finally get around to John Lennon, Vlad Lenin, Joseph Smith, Tony Blair, Pol Pot, Trotsky, Katie Price, Katie Hopkins, Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle, Mitt Romney, Mary Baker Eddy, Peter Andre, Elrond Hubble… (sic)… wowee! Just doesn’t bear thinking about…

However, there is one last hope for the distressed Church hierarchy. Some speculate that His Holiness Pope Francis might be more willing to consider a more liberal stance.

We’ll see, but in the mean time, several of the faithful who had no problem with the church’s stance on artificial contraception have finally found something to complain about with a clear conscience IN THE CHURCH ITSELF.

Hmmm… normally, it’s all the other Churches that have the problems, but this incident should show a handful of the most Ultramontane Catholics (the “plus Catholique que le Pape” ones) that even the Catholic Church doesn’t always get it right in every way. 😉

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!