Man Sues Porn Industry for Making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.

“But now you’ve got a smorgasbord: whatever you want to see, the internet has it in store, 24 hours a day, every day of the week. There’s no holiday, no time out, no escape from the fulfillment of your wildest fantasies. I’m sick of it already!

“How much of a good thing is enough? I’ll tell you how much: when the porn is coming out your ears, when you’ve got naked ladies not just on your laptop but on your mobile devices so you can’t get away from the constant stream of sex and perversions, when sex is no longer exciting because it’s been overdone! That’s when you’ve been satiated. And that’s when it’s time to sue the pants off of those greedy pornographers who’ve killed the goose that lays the golden egg.”

Mr. Garbanzo’s lawyer insists that his client’s case isn’t frivolous. “We believe we have a case against pornographers, not because they’re peddlers of smut. That was the old charge and that was just a matter of taste. No, our complaint is that, you know, it’s enough already. They’ve ruined sex for the next generation. These filmmakers knowingly flooded the market with sexual images that no one has the strength to resist. As a direct consequence, sex has become stale.”

An evolutionary psychologist agrees that however bizarre the lawsuit may seem, there are reasons to worry that pornographers have possibly condemned our species, by making a substitute for sex too readily available. “Heterosexual men are instinctively driven to chase women for sex. Men like the thrill of the hunt, the pleasure of anticipation, the mystery that’s solved only in the end when the woman finally reveals what’s underneath her skirt. Women, too, crave for some romance, for the social foreplay when she can sit back and judge the man’s attempts to impress her.

“Pornography may well be undermining all of this, because the thrill of the hunt is gone. There’s no more mystery. Want to see what a New Jersey Pile Driver looks like? You can look it up in the billions of porn sites on the web; very acrobatic, that NJ Pile Driver. How about a Floridian Loop de Loop or a Japanese Walrus Dance or the Russian Bear Hug or the Chinese Manufacturing Facility? Ever wondered what the Canadian Leisurely Walk looks like? It’s not what you think, let me tell you. It’s one of the most perverted sex acts you can imagine.

“But there’s nothing left to imagine when it comes to sex—and that’s the problem. Porn stars have already done it all. Even worse, they’re showing us what they’re doing and many of us are getting sick of it already. We’re getting sick of sex in general. Who’s going to pay when our species goes extinct for lack of interest in sex? By then it will be too late. Pornographers should answer now for what they’ve done.”

The porn industry scoffs at these allegations. “We’re just fulfilling a demand that’s out there,” says one industry insider. “We didn’t create the demand. People can’t get enough sex, so they turn to pornography. I don’t think you can get too much of a good thing. It’s not possible. I could eat sugar till I drop. My stomach would explode and I’d be lying on the ground clawing for more chocolate bars and stuffing my face with them, because I can’t get enough.

“I can never get enough porn. I could watch the same sexual positions over and over. In out in out in out. The same body parts, the same stars, the same bad acting. Over and over and all around you. Who could say no to that? Who wouldn’t want to be constantly surrounded by sweating naked bodies—when you’re eating or at the office or at your parent’s place for the holidays or when you’re driving or on vacation or picking up your kids from school? It’s a golden age for sex. The prudes will sue us and they’ll lose. When in Rome, baby, do as the Romans do.”