Home Improvement’s “Brad Taylor”, played by erstwhile interesting sub-celebrity Zachery Ty Bryan, has filed a lawsuit against two partners in “Big Wangs”, a Hollywood sports bar.

While analysts think he has better odds of suing for the complete destruction of his acting career, legal experts suggest this claim might actually have more merit, apparently. Read the full story

SEATTLE, Former British Colonies (GlossyNews) – On Sunday, the 27th of June, 2010, the headquarters of Glossy News was shocked to receive a notice from the solicitors of Arriva PLC (www.arriva.co.uk ) demanding that Glossy News cease and desist. Due to the failure of the top notch crew at Arriva to enclose a promised attachment, it was some time until analysts at Glossy News could figure out what the hell we were supposed to cease and desist from. Read the full story

Washington, DC (GlossyNews.com): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today.

According to Court documents, the Westboro Baptists are seeking “unspecified damages” against “The Lord God, Almighty,” for breach of contract under the terms of US Code Title 25, Section 3116. Read the full story

HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — Just a few weeks ago at the annual televised ‘Celebrity Judging Show,’ critics awarded President Barack Hussein Obama’s wife, Michelle, the coveted ‘Really Big Ass of the Year’ award.

Hundreds of Hollywood’s elite gathered at a star-studded ceremony held in Grauman’s Chinese Theater as a team of judges from the prestigious IPT Center announced their favorite picks in 23 different categories. Read the full story

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Sex is a private matter, except for performance artists employed in the adult entertainment sector, who are generally really nice people.

Except for Diane; she was a real bitch.

Oh, I know Hermana; I hated her too!

But sex is private matter and nobody else’s business. Stupid on the other hand, that is everybody’s business. Glossy News has learned that up in Arkassippi or somewhere, a girl is suing her hillbilly high school because her tuxedo picture didn’t make it into the yearbook. Gringos have been known to do some stupid things, but this just about whacks the piñata. Read the full story

FALLS TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Court documents released today revealed startling accusations from a Philadelphia area stock broker’s lawsuit against a nationally known erectile dysfunction clinic for their alleged amputation of both the plaintiff’s legs in a botched attempt to make his penis appear larger.

In an early morning news conference, attorneys for the broker charged the clinic with the “reckless disregard for our client’s health and safety” in what is described as “an act of wanton, near criminal malpractice.” Lawyers were quick to add that their client, “Did not even need the services of the clinic,” but was merely offering himself up as a “test subject of sort, so they could see what a real man looked like.”

The plaintiff is asking for an undisclosed sum “of several million dollars” in punitive damages from the clinic. “That is really a small price to pay,” added the attorney. “Considering our client was only visiting the erectile dysfunction clinic to check it out of a friend who is less well endowed than my client not just physically, but in terms of stamina and sexual technique.” The attorney further classified the plaintiff’s sexual prowess as “legendary” and claims the loss of his legs will not just severely limit his ability to enjoy his candy apple red, 16 cylinder with seven speed manual transmission, Bugatti Veyron 16.4 sports car, but will inflict “untold hardship on legions of young women who are just lining up to get with the plaintiff.”

A spokesman for the erectile dysfunction clinic was quick to deny the stock broker’s accusations, and classified the case as “frivolous.” “While we agree the removal of a person’s legs is not standard procedure in treating erectile dysfunction or penis enlargement, this procedure was executed at the explicit instruction of the patient. And, we have the contract to prove it,” claimed the spokesman.

According the clinic’s records, the plaintiff in the case was the subject of several rounds of erectile dysfunction and penis enlargement procedures at the clinic over an eight-month period; all of which did not meet the patient’s expectations.

“I can honestly say the initial results for this patient were nothing less than astounding, and consistent with the therapeutic outcomes that have satisfied thousands of our customers from around the country,” stated the attending physician in the case. “Most men seeking our services just want to improve their sexual health and enhance their personal intimacy; this guy wanted us to mutate him into some kind of perverse pogo stick.”

Finally, in desperation, and after several threats from the stock broker of legal action and warnings of “buying and selling your worthless asses in the Third World,” the clinic allegedly offered to do whatever the client wanted in order to satisfy him. A copy of the actual contract between the broker and clinic shows the text of the document covered with a red “X”, and “I want my p*cker to hit the floor” written diagonally across the page in large letters.

“Not only did we live up to the letter of our contract, in its entirety,” claimed the spokesman. “According to our post operative records, the patient, against our instructions, impulsively jumped straight off the recovery bed and not only got his expressed wish, but the whole fruit bowl got a good splat on the tile at no additional charge.”

In an exclusive interview, the injured stock broker, identifying himself only as “Karl,” or “KaaaAAAAARRRL!!! as the ladies know him, the 5 foot, two inch, 230 pile “hunk of man meat,” who, despite his injuries, can still bench press several hundred pounds, and is “twice the man” as this reporter, claimed he was asking nothing out of the ordinary from the clinic. “Everybody always says ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do that,’ when what they’re really saying is ‘I’m too stupid and lazy to do what I’m getting paid to do.’ I heard the same thing when I got my hair transplant. “Blah, blah, blah,’ they said. Now, look at me. Not only do I have a full head of hair, all my gold chains are highlighted by so much chest hair it looks like I’m descended from a grizzly, and my pubes are sculpted into the shape of a lightning bolt. Now, that’s a company that cares about its customers.”

INTERWEBS, Cyberspace (GlossyNews) — It has recently come to the attention of many Facebook users that there are things going on by Facebook management that (1) they didn’t authorize; and (2) they don’t really care about as long as they can post their most intimate secrets on their “walls.”

Some users though are realizing that they don’t really want the hassle of trying to figure out what it is that Facebook is doing behind their backs with their accounts, and millions are taking down their sites. Read the full story

Las Vegas, NV (GlossyGaySports) Legal scholars hint that far reaching precedent may be the outcome of Dan Steele vs. Gay Bowling League America, set for opening arguments next week. At issue is GBLA’s stripping Steele of his 2009 championship, but Columbia’s Lance Forestall is among many who speak of wider implications.

Professor Forestall said, “We’re all aware of the surface facts. A losing contestant protested Steele’s victory on grounds of non-gayness. Steele’s defense was bisexuality, Read the full story

LOS ANGELES / Chicken Ranch, NV — Hugh Hefner, long living the good life on the Playboy dime, has been sued for refusing to give it up for the sake of his failing company.

The stockholder class action suit is known as the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” because it was written and submitted on a stack of well-used cocktail napkins (referred in court as CN). It also continued the suit’s statements and claims on several ripped junk mail envelope backs (referred in court as JEB). Read the full story

Dear Hank,

I’m seven months old (that’s from conception) and due in late January.
Recently, I heard my parents talking about what they were going to name me:
Siegfried.

Hank, I can’t go through life with that moniker. Recently I built a tiny
notebook in here with natural materials (the motherboard was easy) and tapped
into their signal.

I made contact with a little girl down the street who’s due about the same time
I am and whose mother is a lawyer. The little girl advises me that I have
rights concerning my naming and I should exercise them before it’s too late. Read the full story

It’s unlikely Kate or Jon Gosslin will read this, so consider it instead a lecture for the rest of you. After all, you too may soon become a TLC or E! reality show celebrity for what’s generally accepted as “no good reason at all”. We loved you for your normalcy and innocence; don’t mook it all up by being petty jerkwads in public. Sure, we all want to see it, but we won’t endorse you for it, and your prospects will suffer in kind. Read the full story

Former CBS Anchor Dan Rather charged today that the network recently spiked a “60 Minutes” interview with Vice President Joe Biden under pressure from the White House. “I heard that Rahm Emanuel previewed the tape and found Biden harder to swallow than day-old habanero chili,” Rather said. Read the full story

WASHINGTON D.C.- Known terrorist Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed has filed a law suit against the United States Government, claiming the White House to be an unsafe work environment. The law suit arose after Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed was injured falling off of the White House roof, which he claimed was, “Terribly difficult to climb, especially with bombs all over you.” Read the full story

Washington – In an interview with Katie Couric this morning, Michelle Obama revealed that she is suing the President for breach of contract over the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Read the full story