According to police, an altercation broke out this morning at 3:42 at an un-licensed after hours club on the lower east side. This wouldn’t normally make news, but the alleged aggressor was none other than auto-tune sensation T-Pain, and his victim was none uglier than meat-faced media sensation Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga suffered “no serious injuries,” according to one officer on scene, who requested we not use his name. Officer Jason Gonzalez from the 22nd precinct further said that “it was all a joke, she just stepped up and talked smack, and he gave her what we all wish we could [which was a smack in the face].
Within an estimated twenty to twenty-five minutes into the altercation, according to independent witnesses who didn’t want somthing more than “to appear on TV,” police arrived on the scene and broke up the otherwise innocous fracas, putting both parties in custody.
No injuries were reported.
Pop sensation Lady Gaga claims that she during her paid appearance inside the bar, which we will not name due to pending anti-trust litigation, she was confronted by R&B/Rap star T-Pain, also appearing as a paid guest to the establishment.
Mr. Pain allegedly accosted her for being a “no talent ass clown,” according to un-named standers by “chucking a bucket of knuckles” at her face. Ms. Gaga responded, accordingly, by bleeding profusely and screaming about the plight of Africa, Himalayn sweating, and the desperation of “Morgan Freeman being stuck in Antarctica.”
Reports from these same anonymous celebrity bystanders including CENSORED* and ALSO CENSORED*, both of whom were at the club, said that both parties were acting out in ways that appeared to them to be “just about the publicity factor,” though we cannot confirm what that means, as publicists for both are on the west coast, and have yet to rejoice in this debaccle.
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*We are not “for sale”, but we do have certain bills to pay, and the celebrities we declined to name paid substantial amounts of “fair market compensation” for us to withhold their names.
** It was Iron Man director and erstwhile Friends sub-star Jon Favreau and washed up Star Trek star Wil Wheaton, both of whom vehemently requested that we not name them in the BODY of this artlce, a request we have honored.
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