Switzerland Pardons ‘Barefoot Bandit’

CARVILLE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) —

Posted by your South America (and also Caribbean) correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

We didn’t know, so we checked around. Nobody else knew either. And I’m talking smart people here? Geraldo Rivera, the internationally respected dean of semi-Latino journalists, he didn’t know.

We figured he might be messing with us, so we contacted that Nina Totebag woman from NPR? She didn’t know either. Switzerland has an Ambassador to the Bahamas! Now I don’t know what he had to do for that cushy job but I’ll tell you something? Whatever it was, Consuela and me have done a lot worse for a lot less! Swiss Ambassador to the Bahamas? What’s he supposed to be doing, negotiating import tariffs on Cuckoo clocks?

Hermana, you’re rambling. Remember the five W’s of the journalism? We say who what when where why.

OK Miss Walter Concrete, I was only trying to establish rapport with the readers!

Now as I was getting to, before the Dean of Columbia School of Journalism interrupted? Swiss Ambassador to Bahamas, he today issued official pardon to Colton Harris-Moore, better known to Glossy News readers as the ‘Barefoot Bandit.’

First, we people from Latin America don’t understand the whole gringo craze for hyphenated names. I have five different names and Consuela has six, but we manage without hyphens.

I know hermana, that’s just stupid! Where’d they get that, from watching “Sex with the City” or something? What happens if Colton Harris-Moore marries Jane Smith-Davis? I feel sorry for their kids in Kindergarten!

Consuela, you are interfering with the serious journalism, and I deplore your amateurish conduct. Now about this Swiss ambassador Urs Ziswiler? He held press conference today, and the snacks weren’t much. We at least expected more chocolates at the Swiss consulate! But here is what he said.

“The Swiss people deeply regret Colton Harris-Moore is not physically in our custody. Were that the case, we’d refuse to extradite him. While acknowledging Mr. Harris-Moore has committed serious felonies, and flight to avoid prosecution in itself is a felony? Switzerland respects the entertainment Colton has provided to the world. Therefore we officially pardon this great artist, and only wish we could do more.”