BUTTE, Montana – The surviving members of a pack of gray wolves have claimed innocence in the ongoing battle between sheep ranchers and environmentalists, after an entire flock of sheep was found dead without any sign of wolves in the area.
“We were living in the valley subsisting on field mice and staying clear of those stupid sheep,“ claims an old alpha male wolf called Soto. “Then a couple of cubs got hold of some poisoned bait, three adults got caught in snares, and old Willy there, as you can see, had to chew his damn leg off to get out of a leg hold trap. If that wasn’t bad enough, they come at the rest of us with helicopters and guns a blazing a few mornings ago. That just left what you see here, and we are still eating field mice and wondering what the hell happened. Oh, this thing around my neck-it’s something I was forced to wear after I was hit with a tranquilizer dart in ’04. I’m sure the batteries are dead, but you can see how it’s eating into my skin here.”
According to Sheep Farmer, Jack Foreman, it’s like this: “We should be allowed to let our sheep roam free and graze where they need to graze. The envirment’lists have no right to come in here and tell us about some kind of balance in our ecosystem blah, blah, blah. The Bible says that man controls the envir’ment not the other way around. I actually had one of those envir’ment’l son’s a bi’ches come out here and tell me I should put up an electrical fence to keep them wolves away from my sheep.
“Can you believe that? Just ‘tween you an me it’s a hell of a lot cheaper to let them, uh…”wolves” kill my sheep and get paid 1500 dollars a head by the Wolf Protection Program. The next year we pay the government 2.50 an acre for grazing rights, fill up them federal lands with sheep, get paid again for the dead ‘uns and get to blow the shit out of more of those mangy wolf bastards. Pretty cool, huh? God, I love this country.”