MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.
- Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
- Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.
- Dropping an atom bomb on it. In those old sci-fi movies dropping an atom bomb on things always solved the problem.
- Setting the Gulf on fire, letting it burn for a couple of days until the fire is all gone, then have one heck of a terrific fish fry on the beaches with all the roasted fish that will be lying around.
- Hiring that Red Adair guy who is supposed to be so good at capping out burning oil fires. If he can do it on the surface then he can do it under the water too.
- Hiring John Wayne who played that Red Adair guy.
- Using weather planes to seed the clouds over the Gulf to create hurricanes that will pick up the oil as they pass over and deposit it somewhere else where it will no longer be our problem.
- Stretching a really giant balloon over the well leaving a little air in it. When it is full pull it off, tie it, then let it float to the surface where it can be collected. Repeat until the oil is all gone.
- Making the entire Gulf an oil reserve, install a giant diesel pump and selling the oil off to passing ships and cars.
- Offering Captain Nemo and his submarine the Nautilus an amnesty if they would help out with the situation. With his genius the problem would be over in no time.
- Declaring Texas a giant holding tank, siphoning the oil into it and let it sit until we need it.
- Drilling a giant hole next to the well all the way through to China so that the whole Gulf will leak through to their side of the world.
- Setting off giant explosives along the Mexican Atlantic shore that will trigger a massive earthquake in turn setting off a tidal wave that will push all the oil over to Africa where we won’t have to worry about it any more.
- Adding gravel and tar to the oil, pave over the gulf and make it a giant parking lot.
- Widening the Panama Canal, then installing giant fans on the coast of Florida and blowing it all over to Australia and letting them take care of it.
We’ll have further word on these projects as they come about.
Should any of these ideas be tried and work, please send a thank you check for lots of money to rfreed, PO Box 478, Bearbut, Alaska.