HOLLYWOOD, CA — Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. It has suffered from a history of political violence that reaches back to the 1950s when “Papa Doc” and “Baby Doc” Duvalier purged the military, installed rural militias and subjugated Haitians through a voodoo fueled cult of personality that led to a “brain drain” from which the nation has never recovered.
Most recently, in February 2004, an armed rebellion forced the resignation and exile of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, and a provisional government took control with security provided by the United Nations Stabilization Mission in Haiti.
The situation worsened on January 12, 2010, when a 7.0 magnitude earthquake struck Haiti and devastated the capital city Port-au-Prince. Reportedly more than 150,000 people were killed. Countless others remain homeless, separated from their families and without access to medical care.
But today, Haiti got a little bit richer.
Now that the A List celebrities have made their obligatory appearances, hosted telethons and persuaded citizens to pledge contributions to relief organizations, the D Listers have moved in to offer real assistance. Among them, Lindsay Lohan.
“It is truly horrible what has happened to the people and children in Haiti,” said Lohan. “I believe every company should do their part to help by donating what they can. Please help us do our part for the Children of Haiti by purchasing this 6126 legging.”
That’s right, she’s asking skinny, heroin-chic consumers to purchase her leggings so that a portion of the profits can be sent to Haiti. “Given that most of the kids are poor and starving,” Lohan continued, “we may send some leggings over to them too. It will keep them warm in the harsh Haitian winter.”
But as silly as Lohan sounds, representatives from Doctors Without Borders and the American Red Cross say that Lohan’s other planned contributions may provide the most significant relief resources to date. A spokesperson for Doctors Without Borders said, “Lohan is sitting on what is potentially the largest private collection of prescription medicines, “caine” anesthetics and narcotic analgesics in the United States. Even a quarter of her drug stash could be used for pain relief, local anesthesia and more. Given her history of sexually transmitted diseases, we believe she may also have a veritable pharmacy of antibiotics in her house, which we’ll need to fight infections and treat the wounded.”
Lohan has agreed to provide relief organizations with about 800 pounds of drugs, or the equivalent of 15 percent of her stash. Her agent also told reporters that Lohan was considering pledging a portion of her weekly “blow” allowance in direct monetary aid, which is valued at over $12,000.
Not to be outdone, Jessica Simpson also committed to sending 5,000 shoes from her new collection to the earthquake victims and volunteers. While seven-inch stiletto heels are impractical and virtually useless, Simpson felt that “seeing Haitian men and relief workers in sexy heels would make things more fun for all the sad people there.”