LOS ANGELES / Chicken Ranch, NV — Hugh Hefner, long living the good life on the Playboy dime, has been sued for refusing to give it up for the sake of his failing company.
The stockholder class action suit is known as the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” because it was written and submitted on a stack of well-used cocktail napkins (referred in court as CN). It also continued the suit’s statements and claims on several ripped junk mail envelope backs (referred in court as JEB).
The suit claims the company is falling apart (CN# 6-7), has lost its devil-may-care attitude (CN# 9-11), noted for its reference to another tragedy) and tarnished the image of the iconic sex-crazed rabbit, fucking all night long (CN# 12-19) with 4 rather starkly graphic drawings). For the reader’s clarity, CN#s 1–5 contain the requisite whereas the party of the first part, etc. legalese and aren’t nearly as interesting.
The suit further complains (CN# 20-24) that Hugh Hefner has twice intentionally sabotaged deals to sell the company at a decent price over the past 6 months.
CN# 25 records that “We think the wildcard here is Fuck-Nuts Hugh Hefner.” The suit continues almost rhetorically, “If you were Hef and pushing 84, would you give up the T and A blonds, the fancy mansion, the reality TV show for a payout?”
The suit contends (CN# 26-27) that “Hefner has continued to live the good life and make sure everyone knows it. Hefner remains in the limelight, showing up at media events and at the Playboy mansion … with all those ‘girlfriends’ by his side (CN#s 28, 29, 30 & 31 graphics only).”
The suit further laments (CN# 33), and continuing on to junk mail envelope backs (JEB# 1-2 with 3 detailed graphics) that, “…he doesn’t even live at the Mansion anymore, like he used to. He’s secluded himself in a double-wide condo that he rents in a Nevada desert gated complex. Most of this he subleases to some small private business with a fairly staggering laundry bill. Not to mention those personalized HMH cocktail napkins.”
The poignant statement (JEB# 3-4) sums up the dwindling respect for the once world-acclaimed cocksman, “What kind of Playboy image is that for us to emulate? Who the fuck wants to live in a trailer? This is the fucking 21st Century, for Christ’s sake. Even Oprah knows how to live the good life for her followers.”
JEB# #5 lays out the law suit’s doomsday-like financial kicker here. “Today a Playboy magazine costs way more than Playboy’s stock. We’re losing on all counts here.”
JEB# 6-8 (with 2 large graphic drawings) continue the stockholder’s financial plight with these crunched numbers, “In 1999 we bought in for $36 a share. Today it closed at $3.14. With the magazine subscription rate at $5.99 – we can’t trade a share of stock for an issue and come out ahead. Now we’re out $2.85 a month on the trades. What’s that all about? We want our money.”
Editorial BBQ came across some much harder numbers in a recent, secret Hefner divorce filing. Luckily it was on normal accounting paper. It lays out quite a revealing story that backs up the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” to a certain degree.
Hef’s Monthly Income — $290,580
* Playboy Chairman’s Salary: $116,667
* Social Security old age benefits: [only] $1,896
* Dividends and interest: $121,099
* Rental from Nevada 15-bdrm double-wide condo: $17,058
* Income from HMH Productions: $15,808
* Playboy pension: [only] $413
* Miscellaneous pocket change: $17,639
* Total monthly income: $290,580
Hugh ‘Other’ Assets
* $36,802,558 non-Playboy stock
* $6,122,990 secret joint cash account
* $306,548 cash in a bank account
* $43,232,096 total ‘other’ assets
Hef’s Monthly Expenses — $290,938
* Nevada Trailer Rental (incl. utilities, groceries, email and cell phone): $53,593
* Incidental Food and presonalized HMH cocktail napkins ±: $18,000
* Entertainment and Florist (mostly Netflix movie rentals): $25,000
* Education expenses — ancillary kids: $10,130
* Health care (24/7 nursing / IV drips): $34,215
* Sub-Total Expenses: $140,938
* + Charles Schwab Investment accrual account: $150,000
* Total Expenses: $290,938
* Deficit per month: –$358.00
Here we see the profligate spending pattern that the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” claims is happening. We see evidence that Hef is taking the company for all he can.
We see here that he has just $20K more than a month’s income in his cash account. One month’s allowance is not an acceptable cash cushion if his income would stop. Hef is living month to month, paycheck to paycheck. Something the Cocktail Napkin group failed to take note of.
The sad part is that like many other people with their money tied up in investments and property, Hef is losing money each month. Slammed into the ongoing responsibility of child education expenses and his own spiraling health care costs, Hef is paying out $358 more than his current monthly income.
When questioned by phone, Charles Schwab commented on the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” that, “If this deficit spending continues much longer, we will see a situation that signals an almost poorhouse end-of-life situation for our favorite publicity-generating sex king.”
Quite a personal cock tale, by most standards.