Hot on the heels of a recent tragedy where Jimmy Fallon let a serial killer murder his guests live on TV, rival softball emperor Jake Tapper has made a fairly serious blunder too.
Among other things, Jake is known for pitching easy questions to Hillary and Obama, while glibly accepting Donald Trump’s conspiracy theory about the disproportionate influence Jews exercise in the Knesset.
However, Tapper has made his biggest softball yet. Encountering a vicious werewolf who just devoured his entire neighborhood, the following hard-hitting and gritty review ensued:
JAKE: Hey there Mr Werewolf. You’re looking kinda satisfied with your meal. I know a lot of people enjoy eating. It’s a great form of recreation. Still, I even read somewhere that some people are a bit better than others; I mean, you know, not in a judgmental way. I guess we’re all pretty different!
Anyway. Did it take you that long to gulp this stuff down? Well, when I say ‘long,’ I guess I mean…
WEREWOLF: No, about 5 hours. You should have heard the screaming. Soooooooo fun! Nyak nyak!
JAKE: Well, I guess culinary diversity truly is our greatest strength. It would be pretty boring if we all ate the same, wouldn’t it!
I mean, I guess that’s my opinion, anyway. So. If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your favorite thing to eat?
WEREWOLF: Personally, I think liberal TV personalities are my absolutely best thing! Hur hur hur!
JAKE: Why not. I hear a lot of people feel the same way too. A lot of opinions out there, that’s for sure. Free marketplace of ideas; always good to find new ideas, isn’t it?
Interesting. Agree or disagree, ideas; they’re kinda great things, aren’t they? Well, sometimes. Not all ideas by any means.
But some. Yeah, some. that’s a good word, isn’t it? Nice T-shirt, by the way. Lovely patterning.
WEREWOLF: It’s blood, you idiot! Hur hur hur! [WEREWOLF SPITS]. Now I’m looking for something fresh to try out.
JAKE: I hear there’s a lovely Chinese restaurant round the corner. Have you ever tried it? There are quite a number of people out there who like this kind of food. Not all by any means; but there’s quite an audience for it. Why not? Who am I judge other people’s eating habits? Diversity is the spice of life.
WEREWOLF: Har har! I love Chinese. And Indian. And Italian. Anything I can get my claws on, essentially.
JAKE: You ever try Russian? I hear Russian is not as exotic; a little bland, and not much to get excited over. But then again, maybe that’s just hearsay. Who’s to know what is truly correct or incorrect. We’re only human.
Anyway, I see you have a baseball bat in your hand. Do you have a favorite baseball team? I hear a lot of people like baseball. Apparently playing baseball is OK; you know, it’s a fun thing to do.
WEREWOLF: No, but I do have a favorite lunch-time, which is all the time!!! And you’re interrupting me and distracting me with all your stupid, inane babbling and…
JAKE: Yeah, I guess having a good daily routine is kind of important, isn’t it? Do you like having exercise? I hear exercise is kind of helpful for people who want to stay healthy. Isn’t health such a wonderful thing? Many people I have spoken to say good health is their absolute favorite thing in all the world. Not everyone says so though.
WEREWOLF: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You equivocating, devil’s advocating centrist coward! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [WEREWOLF RUNS AWAY, SHRIEKING IN FURY, UNABLE TO BEAR JAKE’S INANE BABBLE ANY LONGER]
Later on, it turned out Tapper got some flak for his softball questions. When asked if his undue civility and lack of probing questions was a deliberate strategy to prevent him from being eaten, Tapper frowned, looked bemused, and scratched his head:
“Hm. Maybe I should have gone in harder on the guy and asked him something that little bit more unnerving or provocative. I guess I kind of missed a trick there.
“Well, next time I see a werewolf, I should maybe be that little bit more shameless, and worry a bit less about treading on people’s toes.”
NOTE: Inspired by Benjamin Cain’s story about Jimmy Fallon, as linked to above.