Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Outspoken pro-war pundit Bill Kristol is making headlines again for his unwavering support for military action in Iraq and the world at large. Facing pushback, The Weakly Standard has moved him to a more fitting role: Weather Man.

“Look,” said Kristol. “I wasn’t wrong about Iraq. This president just chose to pull troops out at the wrong time and looks what’s happened, it’s a mess.”

RIGHT: William Kristol of The Weekly Strangler in a screen test for his new gig. He seems right at home in the wrongest profession known to broadcast. (CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

By “this president” Kristol is of course referring to actions taken by former president George W. Bush who signed the order to withdraw all troops from Iraq, thus leaving all ills to fall to the responsibility of Barack Obama.

“My input today is as valid and valuable as it was” back in 2002 and 2003 when he made such certain, brash and demonstrably incorrect comments as:

“[removing Saddam Hussein] would start a chain reaction in the Arab world that would be very healthy.” (November 21, 2002) and,

“The first two battles of this new era are now over. The battles of Afghanistan and Iraq has been won decisively and honorably.” (April 28, 2003)

Being so desperately wrong on matters so critically important normally buys a person a one-way ticket to obscurity, but as the founder of The Weak Tea Standard, Kristol remains an unfirable asset in the war on facts.

Pushback from fact-huggers like 99% of the media have pounced on his resurrection as the voice of Iraqi unreason, not so much demanding his ouster, as using him as cement boots by which to discredit any media he’s associated with.

Being wrong is sometimes right…

Billy Kristol is being moved from his post as news editor to a more fitting role, that of Meteorologist, where mistakes are not only forgiven, they’re expected.

“This is a big opportunity for me,” said Kristol, delighted to find he still has a job. “I’m so good at being wrong I can just follow my instincts in weather forecasting, and if I get it right, it will be a welcome change.”

Few are forecasting that he will get any predictions right, as it’s a trend for which he has no track record.

“This is going to be awesome,” said fellow and rival weather icon Stormy Hammer of WBTX Houston. “If my five-day weather forecast looks bad, just wait until you see his 1,000 day forecast. It’s going to be shockingly awful.”

As his first prediction, Kristol announced that if Obamacare is not repealed within 48-hours, a class-nine typhoon will strike Maine. As a note, typhoons only exist in the Pacific Ocean, there is no such thing as “class-nine”, and Bill Kristol is an idiot.

Just how wrong can Bill Kristol be about Iraq? So wrong that the events unfolding today were predicted fully twenty years ago by none other than Dick Cheney himself. Watch the 90-second video below to see Cheney spell out clearly what would happen if Saddam Hussein was removed.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.