ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”.

Kilroy is reputed to have been a prolific writer for The Onion for the past 10 years. He won a Peabody Award in 2012 for Is it Something I Said? a scathing series satirizing The Taliban that drove him into hiding. “That piece pissed off so many people, even Salmon Rushdie threatened to kill him,” said Walter White, a former dealer of Kilroy’s.

The Onion’s Editor-In-Chief Will Tracy refused to return our calls regarding Kilroy’s death, suggesting that The Onion despises unsolicited telephone calls as much as it does unsolicited submissions. However, one Onion writer, who agreed to comment provided he remain anonymous and given a Kobe burger with a glass of good Merlot, was more forthcoming.

“There is no way in hell that rube ever wrote for The Onion,” he said. “Not only is he not Ivy League, but I heard he went to a state school!” He then provided leads to another satire site called Glossynews. “Glossynews is to The Onion what Radioshack is to Apple. I need to write that down, I’m a freakin’ genius!”

One of the Glossynews editors, who declined to be identified, confirmed Kilroy did indeed write for Glossynews at one time. “Most of his stories involved sexually explicit scenarios between him and Sarah Palin. It was absolutely outrageous…but it beat his fixation on Miley Cyrus,” she said. When asked who would want him dead, she replied, “Pretty much everybody. You ever read his crap?” She went on to describe him and his body of work as “250 pounds of bad porn in a cheap suit.”

A Glossynews writer, who begged to be identified but wasn’t, shed a bit more light on the situation. Describing an acrimonious relationship between him and his fellow writer, he expressed doubts about Kilroy’s death.”He always disappears when he owes someone money,” the unnamed writer grumbled. “Once he shoved his cell phone into a dead hobo’s pocket just to get out of the contract.”

While the general consensus is that Kilroy was neither particularly beloved nor renowned, it doesn’t prove he worked for The Onion. It has also been noted that many of his writings contain references to other people’s better material. There’s more satirical sampling in his copyright skirting schlock than the 1987 hit song “Pump Up The Volume.”

Also noteworthy is that Kilroy was obsessive, almost anal retentive, on word count, fixated on constructing all his pieces into exactly 500 word bits. When Glossynews Editor-in-Chief Brian White was contacted he had a lot to say on the matter, beginning with, “That lying son-of-…”