Common Sense Files to Secede from The Union

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a number of high profile lapses in ordinary, rational behavior across the country in recent months, “common sense” put forward a petition Friday to secede from the United States.

Filing its petition on the White House’s website today, common sense – an often complex and misunderstood compound noun – is seeking to gain the 25,000 signatures required to force the president to pass judgement on the motion.

Our Petition to Shut Down Petitions
Our Petition to Create Single-Payer

(Both of these were authored by Glossy News editor Brian K. White. Please consider signing them.)

Speaking on a rare visit to Washington D.C. Friday, common sense insisted that it “could no longer live in a country where it had become marginalized by the ruling class of ignorance and baseless claims. I hereby follow the action taken by my close ally, civil conversation, and make a motion to secede from the United States of America.”

So far, almost half of the 30,000 remaining U.S. citizens who routinely employ common sense have signed the petition, which mandates that a break-away nation called “Commonsensical Island” will be formed to outlaw, among other things, extremely misguided political viewpoints, racially motivated tweets and possibly even Twitter itself.

“I can no longer be a part of a nation, where a presidential candidate, who openly marginalizes 47% of the population, comes within a hair of taking the popular vote,” continued common sense. “Nor can I remain faithful to this nation’s constitution, every amendment of which is routinely held to wild misinterpretation, selective usage and willful violation.”

“It has not been a decision I have taken lightly. But after hearing post-election sentiments predicting a second American Civil War, the rise of a so-called “communist dictatorship”, and the supposed darkest chapter in American history, I have been left with no choice.

According to historians, this marks the seventeenth recorded case in which common sense has attempted to separate from the U.S., with its most high profile cases coming at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, as well as during the eight-year presidency of George W. Bush.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

1 thought on “Common Sense Files to Secede from The Union

  1. You should start a petition or something… hell, I authored TWO that are live on the White House site… nothing will come of either of them. Even got a bump from Daily Kos on my single-payer petition, but it's not going to hit the minimum threshold. Doesn't matter, not like they'd do anything anyhow.

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