Police are on the look out for a rouge freelance journalist suspected of reckless disregard of media protocol and assault with a rhetorical question. The unknown journalist first struck at a Romney campaign stop in New Hampshire and asked about rumors of undisclosed offshore wealth.
Bermuda based, Sankaty High Yield Asset Investors Ltd. was not listed on any of Romney’s state or federal financial reports. In fact, the company is one of several Romney holdings that have not been fully disclosed, making it possible that he could be a lot wealthier than the nearly $250 million estimated by his campaign.
“So, how much money do you really have, Daddy Warbucks?” asked the rogue journalist, taking Romney by surprise—-well more surprise than usual.
“I’ve got a couple of bucks on me,” answered Romney, patting his pockets nonchalantly. Romney then smiled, waved, tilted his head to the side adoringly and tried to slip away stage right, but the wary journalist was wise to the move and stopped him in his tracks by waving a few hundred dollar bills.
“Now that I’ve got your attention, what’s your position on health care….this week, I mean?” asked the unnamed reporter. Romney instead began explaining about how his health care plan for Massachusetts was “ripped off” by Obama, before his eyes rolled back in his head as he downloaded new programming. He then began shaking his fist and denouncing it as Marxist.
“Riiiight. Not that we’re clear on that, but let’s move on. Is Obamacare a penalty or a tax?” pressed the reporter.
“Um….yes!” declared Romney.
“No ambivalence there,” noted the wicked journalist sarcastically. “Let’s try the immigration issue. For or against the Obama plan?”
“Against. You shouldn’t water crops unnecessarily when there’s adequate rainfall,” said Romney confidently.
“I think you’re thinking irrigation, but that’s OK. Let’s talk about Israel.”
Romney’s programing loaded quickly and he started in on his pledge to “do the opposite” of the Obama administration on “matters pertaining to Israel”.
“Does that mean you’re going to bomb Israel with drones? That’s the opposite,” the reporter sprung his logic trap. Romney awkwardly denied bombing Israel was a good idea.
“Damn, skippy it’s not! So you two agree! Just one more question: Are you out of your freaking mind?”
Romney became confused in the middle of answering the question, redirected his thoughts and pledged to attack Iran instead if they ever developed a freaking mind to be out of. After promising to give the freaking issue more freaking thought once he’d had time to see what that freaking Obama would do, Romney muttered something about not recalling “killing that freaking hobo in prep school” and wandered off. A pro-Romney mob quickly assembled to drive away the inquisitive journalist with pitchforks and torches….but quickly discovered he had already left the premises
A few hours later, a man believed to be the same rogue journalist ferociously attacked President Obama in Ohio.
“Mr. President, U.S. manufacturing activity contracted in June for the first time in nearly three years. Who do you suspect is the blame for that?” asked the recurring reporter.
“Bush, of course,” said Obama grinning.
“But the three year time span puts this issue squarely on your watch…,” began the reporter before being rudely interrupted by Obama with, “I…said…BUSH! Next question!”
“Alrighty then. How about this one…with natural gas prices near multi-year lows and crude oil prices falling rapidly would you ever consider bailing out energy companies?”
“Nope, I only bail out solar energy and wind power companies,” said Obama.
“I see. I guess that campaign bus runs on hot air!” mocked the reporter. “Let’s shift gears here. Rumors are that you plan on killing Mitt Romney. Any comment?” the reporter asked.
“No, ‘kill’ is just a euphemism for destroy politically,” Obama explained. “Kill doesn’t really mean kill anymore.”
“Oh, I get it. Kind of like the word change,” the reporter retorted, making air quotes with his fingers. Taking advantage of the momentary confusion, he skillfully lured the President in closer with a question regarding the political dimensions of his Health Care victory versus the economy.
“Which is the bigger factor for you in November, the economy or health care?” asked the journalist innocently. Obama initially danced around the question, refusing to quantify by making small inane jokes to make him appear more down to earth than the RomneyBot 2.0. But the journalist provocatively pressed for an actual answer with, “It’s the economy, stupid. Come on, just how big is it, Mr. President?”
“Wait…what?” asked Obama just before the reporter continued with, “Maybe I should just ask Michelle”. The President took the bait. Using two fingers to demonstrate the magnitude of the economic issue, Obama estimated the size at about 3 inches without regard to the innuendo.
“That big, eh? Michelle can’t be too happy with that,” observed the reporter.
“No, she thinks there’s a need for a lot more stimulation to get the kind of growth she’d like to see,” agreed Obama. But, when he suggested that the economy was still big enough to do the job, scattered laughter from the press corps caused him to pause. That’s when the renegade reporter found the proper political punchline: “You think three inches is adequate? Are you out of your freaking mind?”
As a Secret Service supervisor screamed into the radio for all snipers to “Take the shot! Take the shot!” Obama showed no signs of trauma…or shutting up…and addressed the question in the context of “politics as usual” instead of “real change” driving him out of his freaking mind. In the ensuing panic the jinxing journalist threw a small pellet to the floor and disappeared in smoke.
While the snipers radioed that they had “freaking lost the target”, Obama continued oblivious to the chaos, confessing that he hopes the day will come when everyone will have equal opportunity to be out of their freaking minds, if they so choose.
As Biden dragged the President from the stage, Obama also admitted being out of his freaking mind helps him keep bombing Pakistan with drones since we pay them good money to do so. His voice faded backstage with him alternately embracing then denouncing the notion that he might be out of his freaking mind but he pledged to finish addressing the freaking question sometime in November after he determines if Americans are also…out of their freaking minds.
The Secret Service has joined the search for the mysterious journalist and are offering a $1,000,000 reward for any information leading to the apprehension and proper prosecution of the “Lone Pun Man”. In related news, political agent provocateur Ron Paul expressed anger and rage at not even being asked the question about being out of his mind; however to most observers, it’s a freaking moot point.
Journalism has gotten more like fan mags interviewing celebrities than investigative reporting. Lob a few select slow balls for them to knock out of the park with a well placed talking point, you’ll have a long career.
I tell you though, you start actually holding feet to the fire and you’ll stop getting interviews. Like the story that ran a couple days ago about political candidates reserving the right to alter their quotes after a story is written… just sickens me for the craft, and I’m not even a real journalist!