Crazy Woman Buys AOL for Fair Market Value: Negative $315 Million

It’s already being called the deal of the century, and there are still eighty-nine years to go. Liberal news aggregator and alleged Gabor sister Arianna Huffington now owns AOL.

Media watchers are at a loss to explain what happened or why it happened. Some experts talk of a rapidly changing era of mass communication not seen since Steve Guttenberg invented the printing press. Others maintain the usually savvy Huffington has made a fool’s bargain this time. While the debate rages, there appears to be only one point of consensus among tech insiders. No kidding, AOL is still in business?

Under the agreement, Huffington Post will now be part of the AOL family of fine internet products, and Arianna will take an active role in guiding the direction of all AOL content.

At this writing it’s impossible to say how AOL managed to ink a contract with Ms. Huffington before WebTV could make a counter offer.

Those who claim to know Arianna best dismiss any speculation that she’s made a false step in her latest business endeavor. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer summed it up when he said, “That girl knows what she’s doing.” After summing it up, he kept talking, and talking, and talking.

“Any woman who by sheer force of will could marry a wealthy homosexual and compel him to run for Senate on the GOP ticket, well she won’t have any problems with AOL.

No kidding, they’re really still in business? When Arianna wants something, she can be more formidable than Larry King’s breath. I once saw her reduce a parking valet to tears because he’d adjusted the seat in her Porsche. She’s got this look she can give you, gives me the chills just thinking about it. It turns your penis into an auxiliary navel. She got AOL to pay her a huge sum, and she’s actually taking the company over. No kidding, they’re still in business?”

Under the deal’s terms, Ms. Huffington will get $315M and an undisclosed number of warehouses filled with ’10 hours of free internet’ junk mail CD’s from the 1990’s.

In a totally unrelated story, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s malpractice suit was dismissed today, with the Judge saying she didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

2 thoughts on “Crazy Woman Buys AOL for Fair Market Value: Negative $315 Million

  1. Well thanx Rfreed; it kinda wrote itself.
    Oh I don’t know if Ms. Huffington has reduced a valet to tears, I just know she could if she wished.
    So could Dolly Parton. Successful self-made women are mostly upholstered titanium, appears to me.

    Yeah, I quite admire Arianna too. I’m not sure whether she’s an ideologue or just a darned clever ideology marketer, but I respect her.

  2. Real funny, LB! You have some real zingers in there.
    Is the part about the parking attendant true?
    I won’t get into the political side of it here because I like Huffington (she took on the big financial boys in “Pigs At The Trough”)
    but I won’t let that diminish that you’ve written a real gem here.

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