A nation reels in shock as it realizes that Socialists have won the beloved American institution called the Super Bowl. Beating the genuinely capitalistic Pittsburgh Steelers by a 31 to 24 margin, the Green Bay Packers won the game that is at the heart of all things American.
Not letting on that they are an entity entirely owned by the people of Green Bay and not a corporation owned organization as are most football teams, the Socialist Packers have managed to ingratiate themselves deeply into the nations social fabric, psyches and pocketbooks over the years. This unusual partnership is a leftover from the early days of football when teams were sponsored and subsidized by the local community.
These were also the days before the public was made aware of the dangers of such Socialization by such stalwartly patriotic individuals and organizations as FOX News, Newt Gingrich, J. Edgar Hoover and the soon to be canonized Ronald Reagan. So canny was their rise in the public light that their semi-communist ways successfully slithered under the ever observant severe scrutiny of anti-Bolshevik demigods Hoover and Reagan.
Now this insidiously virulent form of anti-Capitalism is being celebrated through the most beloved sports event in America and being splashed jubilantly across every media venue possible, even the archly conservative FOX News.
FOX News, the sponsors of the Super Bowl, were embarrassed by their oversight. “Umm….mumbled Glenn Beck, “Well they do sell sweatshirts and pennants. That makes them sort of capitalistic.”
“At the price of their tickets I would say they are true blooded, patriotic, money sucking, all American gougers!” added Sean Hannity.
Others had harder things to say- “They should be packed up on the same Viking ship that brought them over and taken back to their Communist European homeland!” states Sarah Palin, official spokeswench (in her eyes anyway) for all things Conservative. “It is a horrible travesty for these social parasites to receive the adulation and money that they do from the American public.”
“They are not like me and my daughter Bristol who go around the country and work hard flappin’ our gums about bein’ patriotic and not getting knocked up!” It has been noted that Mrs. Palin has added her notorious cross-hair symbol over the town of Green Bay as being another target for Republicans to shoot for in the next election.
Newt Gingrich, lead miscreant of the Republican party voiced his concerns as well- “Football is a historic and time honored American institution which we cannot allow to be impregnated by dangerous Bolshevik foreign ideas such as Socialism. The Green Bay Packers need to be brought back into the fold by being taken over by a good, patriotic corporation such as AIG or Merrill Lynch or Goldman Sachs or one of our other fine, democratic capitalistic enterprises.”
“We can not have such a high profile group like the Packers being ‘owned by the people’ for God’s sake. If they will not do this, then I suggest sending in the National Guard to take control and letting them run things until a proper buyer could be found. We might consider moving the Packers to a more Red state for future games; Wisconsin has always been a pretty Commie state to begin with.”
“I personally think Illinois could use another team.” After making this statement Mr. Gingrich was informed by the FBI that a huge contingent of outraged Wisconsin hunters were heading out to use him as target practice.
Glossy tried to contact Green Bay officials to verify parts of this story but unfortunately the entire state of Wisconsin was too drunk to answer our calls.