The Mysterious, Dubious Disappearance of “The Far Side’s” Gary Larson

Mysterious was the disappearance of Gary Larson, the famed and beloved creator of the very popular cartoon series The Far Side. One day a successful, widely popular genius behind one of the world’s top selling daily cartoons, the next day missing without a clue. Conspiracy theories abound as to what became of him, but perhaps no one will ever know the answer.

Witnesses vary as to the circumstances that led to his disappearance. His neighbor, Carla May Johnson, a portly woman with a typical housewifely hairdo and cats eye glasses claims that “buggy-eyed aliens with tentacle arms came in a space ship and drug him away!” Photos with what appear to be tentacly aliens grabbing a hysterical man with nerdy glasses support this, but the images are too indistinct to use as hard evidence.

His secretary, Pernacious Dwerby, a heavy set woman with a beehive-style hairdo, whispered scandalously “I know it for a fact that he was having an affair with a giant female preying mantis named Audrey and after a torrid evening she devoured him!”

Larsen’s good friend Doug Tweedlebum swore that “he was on a secret mission for the government spying on the British scientist Jane Goodall in Africa when she had her trained killer ape Frodo attack him.”

Another neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous stated that he saw a viscous looking gang of ducks, with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and sporting gang tattoos and bling-bling, come up to his door, drag him out, stuff him in the back of a black Cadillac and drive off fast. He believes that Larson might be “sleeping with the fishes” by now.

The only real evidence that exists is a security camera outside a bank showing a frumpled individual who resembles Mr. Larson walking up to an ATM machine, pressing a button and getting sucked into it while a man waiting to use it says “Dang, these darn things always malfunction just when you need them the most!” A cartoon portraying this incident later surfaced in newspapers around the country, but no one has been able to trace the strangely anonymous author of the piece.

A video has been received by local police authorities showing a well-dressed man with slicked down hair and a penetrating look appearing out of thin air as Mr. Larson is apprehended by spectral creatures with two heads from another dimension. After Mr. Larson and the creatures have disappeared out of view, the nattily attired man turns to the camera and announces in a dry voice that “you can now find Mr. Larson of Tacoma, Washington at his new residence… in the Twilight Zone…” then he himself disappears out of sight.

Police attempting to investigate Mr. Larson’s disappearance have been hampered by strange encounters with tusked elephants, UFO’s, boneless chickens, Moby Dick, assorted monsters and, most commonly, talking cows.

Devout Larson fans have formulated a large number of conspiracy theories over what has happened to their beloved cartoonist, some of which are:

His head was shrunk by headhunters from Borneo, he got caught in a spiders web and was cocooned, he was savaged by a swarm of piranha while bathing in his hot tub, Dr. Frankenstein used him for spare parts, he was kidnapped by space aliens from Vertufornia and is being forced to draw cartoons for them there and that he is hiding out in a secret apartment with Elvis and Salmon Rushdie where they hope no one can ever find them.

If anyone reading this report have any idea what happened to Mr. Larson, please report them to this publication. All will be read with great interest and perhaps some snickering.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

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