In uncertain economic times, people facing unemployment and foreclosure often find it difficult to empathize with artists who suffer writers block. Such was confirmed in a recent study from the Pew Research Center. According to the results:
67 percent of unemployed Gulf Coast shrimpers and tourism workers don’t daily think about people with writers block.
78 percent of former factory workers who now live in their cars in Wal-Mart parking lots cite writers block as a low level concern.
An astounding 97 percent of respondents thought ‘Pew Research’ is a stupid name.
To remedy this understandable yet grievous heartlessness, the Sarcastic Liars Association has come to the fore with its tear-inducing ordeal. Usually regarded as the least vocal among unions, the SLA is widely described as “Nice, but quiet folks. Sort of kept to themselves.” All that is about to change, according to SLA spokesman Colt Kurbain.
Kurbain took the podium at the National Press Club today to deliver a warning and threat. Per his remarks, America stands at the brink of losing a precious natural resource; irreverent, disrespectful smartasses. “Our little group has always been and always will until the end, be stupid and contagious, but dammit, do you realize how hard you people are making it on us? Every single day of our lives it’s a race for us to make up stuff more ridiculous than what’s actually happening! Can you imagine how that feels?”
SLA leader Kurbain spoke poignantly of lives impacted by the world’s recent obsession with uber-stupid behavior. “John and Mary have been married twenty years, and I heard they’re divorcing. Eric, long as I’ve known that guy his Cuervo intake’s been two fifths a day; now he’s up to four. That’s the tip of the iceberg. So we’re about to go on strike.”
According to Kurbain, if the world doesn’t soon abandon its assault on satire writers, a vigorous response is warranted. “Around here we won’t write nothing at all; we’ll just stand back and let it all be.”
On heated questioning, Kurbain faced scrutiny of his credibility, given that he leads a group of self-proclaimed liars.