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Glenn Beck’s New Book: “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs”

Glenn Beck’s New Book: “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs”

Yet another poignant reminder that Glenn Beck was born and lived to tell about it.

In “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs,” Beck takes his readers back to a time when all there was for breakfast was cold cereal and a glass of tap water, but it was enough to sustain him until he got lunch in the school lunch line and then dinner back home at night. “It’s a story of courage,” says Beck. “When times seemed the darkest and I got smacked upside the head for spilling a bit of my cereal on the kitchen floor, it taught me how to mop…mop up my milk, mop up the table in front of me, mop up my tears and get on the school bus.”

“A raving lunacy of a book. I laughed until I cried of laughter.” NY Post-its

“Beck’s brilliant understanding of how his child-like mind works will help you understand how the man Beck thinks and how he doesn’t.” LA Times Two

“Beck, what can you say about Beck?!!” Indianapolis Weekly Shopper

“I had to write this next book,” says Beck, “because there was a chapter missing in my ‘Christmas Sweater’ book. A story that begged to be told, so people everywhere can understand why my story is so dismal, so out of touch with reality, and why I am able to get up every day knowing I am telling my truths, no matter how unbelievable they are, they are still my truths, about God, country, and a woman who shaped me into who I am today, a man not afraid of crying over spilt milk.”

Although, the story is far from over, it will be repeated over and over until we can’t take any more of the torment Beck throws at us, the anguish we must feel at reading his every word until we, too, will be crying, “please, please Beck, no more, no more, please, no more.”

“A triumphant, brilliant, extraordinary cover photo!” The Madison County Picayune Times

“Will undeniably sit atop a shelf at Borders begging to be purchased!” Reader’s Daily Reads

“The Dr. Seuss of childhood memories.” Science Monitory Weekly Reader

Never before has anyone written with such child-like mastery. You can almost see the crayon marks within the pages of Beck’s words, like a house with only one window, a skateboard with a wobbly tire, or a cat with only 7 lives. Beck reaches to the inner core of all of the people out there who are out of touch and wanting so much to be in touch. Never again will you spill a bit of milk, or juice, or even wine for that matter without thinking about that little klutz, Glenn Beck, and his eagerness to make his mommy proud of him again.


This post was written by

- who has written 457 posts on

P. Beckert’s is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at


16 Responses to “Glenn Beck’s New Book: “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs””

  1. Terry Kinder says:

    Isn’t satire supposed to be funny?

    “Never again will you spill a bit of milk, or juice, or even wine for that matter without thinking about that little klutz, Glenn Beck, and his eagerness to make his mommy proud of him again.”

    Beck’s Mother committed suicide. Explain to me where you see the humor in that?

  2. Brian K. White says:

    How is it funny, kinder man? Same way Beck’s facts are true: it just is. Why did she commit suicide? I’m sure there’s some comedy gold in there we could mine. Speaking of gold, isn’t it fun how he advocated buying gold when he’s a paid spokesman for people privately buying gold? What a trooper that assclown is. A real American hero.

    But if you think you’ve got two nuts to rub together, why don’t you submit some satire, clown vagina? Can you actually muster an original thought? Because if you can, we’ll gladly publish it, and maybe even pay you $100 for it… but that’s not going to happen, is it?

    Prove me wrong, silent Bob.

  3. P. Beckert says:

    Sorry, Mr. Kinder, but I’m standing by my story. Seems that Beck’s mom may have just been the victim of an accidental drowning, not suicide. If we stopped writing satire about folks whose parents have passed for whatever reason, who would be left to make fun of? And lastly, regardless of whether or not Beck’s mom has passed, doeesn’t everyone want to make their mommas proud?

    It wasn’t disrespect. It was a just a stupid story. There are one or two people left who post nice things about Glenn Beck on the web. Hurry or you’ll miss them.

  4. Brian K. White says:

    I disagree strongly, P. Beckert. It wasn’t a stupid story, it was a fun one. This distractionary joker was just trying to throw the debate off the legitimate scent, and as a wingfuck nutball he must be (presumed by his support of the double-speaking Murdoch puppet in question) he’s done a terrible job.

    A nut job sounds like exactly what this joker-chode needs.

    How is it funny if Beck’s mom committed suicide? That’s not even a real question, just a diversion. If it was a real question the answers would be many. Because Beck dedicates his life to fear-mongering because he has abandonment issues. Because the man who espouses family values would have his mother rolling over in her grave. Because he’s such a disingenuous fucktard that anything bad that’s happened to him is at least a down-payment on what he’s doing to our nation as a whole.

    It’s funny because it happened to Glenn Beck!

  5. BobZaguy says:

    Which rock is this Kinder guy hiding under? I want to find him and give him some Beck-Love.
    There are few if any Beckmaniacs who stray from the neocon websites to try to earn their chops.
    This poor Kinder mom’s baby Terry Kinder – he got swamped by the avaricious Brian “FuckFoot” White and his massive f-word steamroller – you joyful lout, you.

  6. BobZaguy says:


    my fav comment:

    “Beck, what can you say about Beck?!!” Indianapolis Weekly Shopper

    as if they are hawking some hair shampoo.

  7. Terry Kinder says:

    So, if I write something semi-witty about Socialist Dems, or maybe Right Wing Extremists, you’ll pause the F-Bombs long enough to publish it?

    You won’t fact check it will you, since you haven’t presented any factual arguments – just insults. Anyhow, I feel bad since you guys are bringing knives to a gun fight. Oh, I forgot, no guns for you since you don’t believe in the 2nd Amendment. But, oh wait, that makes me a wingnut because I believe in the whole Constitution. And don’t even think about your usual lame arguments about slavery or women not being able to vote. We, as a nation, corrected those wrongs by amending the Constitution. So, you want to get rid of 2nd Amendment rights then do it the constitutional way…and good luck with that.

    What’s so distracting about asking how making fun of Beck – and bringing his mother into it? Especially when she committed suicide. If you have evidence that she did not, then you need to present it. The article simply is poor satire. The author of the article didn’t even know that Beck’s mother had committed suicide. But, I forgot, right wingers are the uninformed. Socialist Dems, er Progressives, are so much wiser than anyone else.

    Oh, Brian White, when you can present something other than foul-mouthed arguments against Glenn Beck – and the points he is actually making – than maybe I’ll take you seriously…which might not be what you want – since you’re all about trying to get a cheap laugh. If you don’t have a real argument, and you’re not funny, then all you are left with is insults. I can do those too, but I really don’t want to emulate you…and I’m tired of wasting my time with you.

    If you can manage a coherent argument, above the grade school insult level, then go for it. If not, I’m not bothering with another reply.

    I’ll be happy to write a little satire for you. Plus, it would be nice to take your $100 – since you Progressives have already taken so much of my money already. I know, I’m greedy – aren’t all conservatives. Even worse, I’m one of those evil libertarian conservatives.

    Wow, somehow I made it through this without dropping 10 F-Bombs. My Mom is proud of me. You’re smart, I guess. I’ll let you guess my final question.

  8. tkinder says:

    Brian K. White Said:

    “How is it funny if Beck’s mom committed suicide? That’s not even a real question, just a diversion. If it was a real question the answers would be many.”

    Actually Brian, if you were half as quick-witted as you are foul mouthed you would have come up with some answers.

    I’m so dizzy from the intellectual circles you are running around me.

    BTW, I submitted my satire article. I’m not a good judge of my own writing, but if this Beck article is the standard fare on this site, then what I wrote will look like a work of genius.

    Try keeping up. Maybe not an original thought – just the truth.

  9. Brian K. White says:

    Stay focused Terry, you’re losing your way. I’m a registered Republican and gun owner. But I was in practice a Republican until my party left me. Strict obstructionism and a litany of things they stand against, without much of a coherent message on what they stand for.

    That doesn’t put you and I at odds. It sounds to me like you are indeed a Libertarian, which is a party I have no serious problems with, and even less with the individuals who comprise the party.

    Beck, however, is a dangerous man. He might be crazy or delusional, or he might just be a propaganda puppet. Here are a few examples of what I mean.

    I’ll dance with you, baby. 🙂

  10. tkinder says:

    Hi Brian, I’ll stay focused just for you. While the Beck satire on The Daily Show, is admittedly amusing – it doesn’t really constitute a refutation.

    We all have some contradictions. I am one of the most pacifistic people you will ever meet and I served in the U.S. Army.

    A big part of Beck’s personality is shaped by Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). If you watch him enough you can see it. He is both intellectually powerful, and a little scattered – which is one typical scenario of ADD.

    I have seen some pretty bad hospital diagnoses. My Dad, while he was alive, received a serious misdiagnosis. I wouldn’t condemn the whole medical system for it. However, my brother-in-law is a Spaniard who has had cancer, heart problems, and tumors. The Spanish medical system, from what I have heard from his experience, is truly awful. He had to wait for weeks for an operation to have a tumor removed from his face, and it nearly cost him his entire jaw and teeth. Luckily, they managed to save (so far) his lower teeth. I don’t believe, in the U.S., he would have waited nearly as long for such a critical operation.

    My older brother is a doctor, and originally trained as a pharmacist. You may or may not be shocked to learn how little physicians know about pharmaceuticals. It is truly frightening. I much prefer good nutrition and alternative medicine to having to take prescription drugs – when I can get away with it.

    I hear the Beck is crazy argument with some frequency. What I don’t hear is how he is wrong, and why he is dangerous. Why is he more dangerous than the U.S. Congress or the President. Is he worse than the Republicans? Worse than the Democrats. Much of the information comes from some of the best financial blogs on the planet – blogs where the authors were years ahead of everyone else in warning of the impending financial crisis.

    You may not like the Beck style and delivery, but from the sites I follow – much of what he says is correct.

    The country has bigger problems than media personalities. We basically live in a one-party system of heads you lose, tails you lose.

    I don’t know you well enough to judge your party affiliation. It isn’t important to me anyhow. All I know is the rhetoric you spewed didn’t sound like any Republicans I have met. Doesn’t mean you aren’t one. Your tactics are more like the Progressives. You can’t have a semi-serious conversation when John Daly stands in for Wikipedia – neither one is exactly the end all, be all of truthful, unbiased information.

    I’m fairly skeptical of all media – including Fox. I just fund it funny people who have so much hatred toward a differing point of view, that they can’t even watch it – and then can’t engage in a civilized debate about why they disagree with it.

    It’s all a side show anyhow. Many, probably most, of the media are like the student journalists I met while I was involved in college politics – some of the most uninformed and biased people you will ever meet. Unfortunately, much of the public relies on them for information and makes decisions based on the “truth” as they present it.

    I guess it is a little like satire – just someone’s presentation of the truth, and we all have to decide what we believe.

  11. P. Beckert says:

    I’m gonna be wise and not get into a political debate with you because it is senseless to do so. You have armed yourself with more than ammunition, you’ve armed yourself with half-truths and lies that you get from watching people like Bill-O, and Beck and Limbaugh, who go to incredible lengths to get the American populace riled up enough to go into Town Hall meetings and shout down their fellow man in incredible acts of unsympathetic bashing. These television and radio personalities have done more to tear this country apart than any politician can, and believe me, if the money wasn’t there, they’d not be doing it.

    Go ahead and defend Glenn Beck. It’s your right. But it amazes me to this day that people will so blindly follow the leader instead of coming up with some original stuff all on their own. If we had more thinkers than followers, we’d have a nicer world.

    You said: “We all have some contradictions. I am one of the most pacifistic people you will ever meet and I served in the U.S. Army.”

    For the record, I do not think that a true pacifist would say that it is their right to bear arms. Imagine the Dalai Lama packing heat, Mother Teresa with a shotgun under her bed, or Ghandi going to his local gun store to apply for a weapons permit.

    To placate your desire to see some proof, here’s a little, but other than that, I’m just not going to take any more time on this as there are many more people to make fun of and there are only so many hours in a day.

    “The county coroner found no evidence of violence on either body. Police investigators told Tacoma’s News Tribune that the double drowning appeared to be a classic man-overboard mishap — a failed rescue attempt in which both parties perished.”

    Alexander Zaitchik in the Salon, 9/21/09

    Glenn Beck is the one who perpetuates the suicide story…hmmm…wonder why? Giving his supporters a sympathy card to play when they feel he’s being unjustly attacked?

    As for off-color comedy, Beck certainly is better at it than I:

    On Beck’s May 17, 2005 broadcast, he had this to say:

    “Hang on, let me just tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it. No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out — is this wrong?”

    His listeners defended him and said that it was just Beck doing comedy.

    And finally, Killjoy,

    I’m sure you’ve seen this a million times but for those folks who want a taste of Glenn Beck himself saying that killing people is comedy, well here he is. He ramps up around the 1:35 mark and I have to say it’s about one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

    Now tell me again why I can’t make fun of him and his pathetic life? I love writing satire and whether it’s good or not, it’s what I do and I will never back down from one of my stories unless I’ve truly wronged someone and Beck’s case, I’m standing in a very long line of other satirists waiting to take their shot at him because that is how fertile the ground is.

  12. Brian K. White says:

    My problem with Beck is that he knowingly misleads the public, then tells them to take action based on what they’ve learned from his deception. Though I consider Beck an independent, his nation-dividing rhetoric and tactics, very much like those employed by Republicans, is not what our nation needs, and his fear-mongering is causing harm.

    I strongly agree with your comments about US physicians, and the Spanish health care system. I was in Spain in 92 when a guy in our party fell and tore ligaments in his arm. It was misdiagnosed and it led to serious problems and surgery when we got back to Germany.

    But NO ONE IS PROPOSING we move to a Spanish-style health care system. That option was never on the table. Conflating this one anecdote with what congress is trying to do is absurd. Allowing our fellow citizens to die when care is just down the street is a terrible injustice, and I consider it un-American.

    We CAN demand our doctors better understand pharmacology and wellness without it in any way impacting the current system, or the proposed changes.

    Also, I sent you an email about your article, please let me know your thoughts when you get a minute.

  13. tkinder says:

    P. Beckert –

    You obviously haven’t carefully read what I wrote. I don’t follow Beck blindly. I’m not at all a fan of O’Reilly and while I on occasion listen to Limbaugh I find he often misses the point while entertaining the audience. I didn’t say I was a pacifist. I said I was pacifistic. If I were a pacifist I would not have joined the military. By pacifist I mean I am not a person who advocates violence or commits violence. I have no interest in using force or arms to impose my point of view on anyone. Unfortunately, we live in an often violent world. I don’t agree with people who want a well armed state and then believe that the state won’t use those arms to coerce us. The Constitution sets up a number of checks and balances between and among the branches of government, the states and the people, and the right to bear arms is one more check on unfettered government power. Again, if you don’t like it – amend the Constitution if you trust government to preserve your rights when you have no practical way to defend them.

    Your whole argument about whether or not Beck’s mom committed suicide wears a little thin. You didn’t even know that Beck said his mother committed suicide. It seems that to write good satire, you would need to know a little more about your subject. That is, in part why – to me – I don’t find your Beck satire very humorous. The sympathy argument, too, is rather lame. Any defense I present of Beck would be on the merits of his arguments, rather than merely on the circumstances of his life. I don’t expect him to be perfect. I am far from perfect and would hate to have my life put under the microscope in the way he has.

    By the same token, there are certainly moments in my life that I am glad weren’t caught on camera. My temper isn’t always perfect either. Whether the Beck video link you provided a link too was him putting on a show or him losing control I can see it – potentially – either way. He is a pretty good showman. If I did several hours of radio and a TV show, I’m not sure whether or not I wouldn’t have a couple of “angry” videos floating around on YouTube. I’m not excusing it. I would be embarrassed by it.

    You can certainly comb through his life and work and use it for satire fodder – whether good, mediocre or lame. What you, and everyone attacking Glenn so far have failed to do, is really point out where he is wrong. As I said previously in another comment – I don’t mindlessly watch Glenn Beck. I read from a long list of blogs, that over time, have proven their worth. Much of what Beck talks about is based on the work of those authors.

    On the larger issues of climate change, the political agenda of Congress, budget deficits, the economy, etc. I largely agree with Beck. That agreement is based on personal research that began before the economic crisis exploded.

    My view is that many – not all- who attack Beck do so based on wanting to silence him. Some, perhaps yourself included, may choose to do so for satire, etc. – I don’t know, and really don’t care. In my estimation, your satire of Beck is the true Killjoy – because it was pretty joyless. The fact that you have felt the need spending so much time to defend it says to me that I am near the mark.

    There is fertile ground to poke fun at many public figures. The fact that so many feel it is right and proper to tear them down on such a personal level says more about those who attack than those who do the attacking.

  14. tkinder says:

    Brian K White:

    You’re still making the same unsubstantiated argument regarding Beck. I have told you why I listen to him. His source material is generally very good. He is not perfect and makes mistakes, just like everybody else.

    The fear mongering argument is getting pretty boring. You would actually need to make the case as to his fear mongering and demonstrate it has caused real harm.

    You could deal with actual fear – why the public is so fearful of health care reform and the present state of the economy. Why the fear of small business people and banks is crippling our economy and making the unemployment situation worse. This is actually causing real harm – rather than the faux harm you are talking about.

    I’m always wary when someone claims that “NO ONE” is advocating something. Nobody in Congress would like to see European or Canadian style health care? NO ONE? You didn’t read what I wrote carefully either. I wrote about my Dad and brother-in-law to demonstrate that there are problems with our current system, and the systems in other countries.

    You’re making the Progressive argument – interesting for a registered Republican – about compassion. Compassion is a good thing. However, the “compassionate” health care reform Congress is proposing is going to hurt people. To me, this compassion is rather like giving children – or adults for that matter – everything they want. Rather than teach people to make choices, and that there are consequences – we give people whatever they want. Then, when they fall down we pick them up. This may not be bad – once or twice. But, if we do it over and over we enable their harmful behavior.

    Likewise, the government claiming that everyone can have quality medical care, at lower cost, with no rationing, and no consequences, is more government enabling. Government meddles constantly with states under the guise of interstate commerce, but refuses to use that same power to open up the insurance market between the states to competition. It is obvious Congress wants control of health care so they can reward selected insurance companies and political allies.

    What Congress is proposing is not, in my opinion, a good idea. However, if some states want to be guinea pigs, it would be better to roll out reform to a few states. No good IT Department would roll out a major software upgrade without testing it in a virtual environment, or with a limited roll out – but the government proposes massive changes with no real transition. That is highly irresponsible.

    Compassion isn’t doing everything for others. It is helping when they need a hand. Compassion isn’t a government program – it is people freely volunteering their time, skills, knowledge, money, etc. Forced compassion is no more compassion than forced servitude is being a servant. If government did not consume and waste so many resources, our society would exercise it creative capacity to help others in ways the government could never imagine.

    The flip side of government compassion is the teeth of the government. Eisenhower warned about it in his military-industrial complex speech. If you choose to give power to the government to exercise “compassion” you also give it power to arm itself and cause great harm. You have to think outside the box a little and not fall for the mindless mantra of compassion. Government is not capable of compassion. You are.

  15. P. Beckert says:

    I could reply to every one of your points but this is not a debate. It is you griping about a story you don’t particularly like. Point taken. Move on Killjoy. The only thing you’ve accomplished here is to make this particular story more controversial and putting me ever closer to winning the $100 prize for being the most commented-on story. And isn’t that what it’s all about? winning? money? Post a hundred more posts. I welcome them. Thank you. But please, every once in awhile, come up with something a bit more original…please.

    For chrissake, let it go. It was satire.

  16. Brian K. White says:

    For the record, that is correct, NONE of the health care reform bills in either house, and I think we’re up to 6 or 7 different bills at this point, advocated anything close to Spanish-style medical care.

    I’m sorry if you think the fear-mongering argument is getting boring. That doesn’t make it untrue. Glenn Beck is a smart man. No, I take that back, Beck is a VERY smart man. Unfortunately, he’s got something working against him. Call it craziness, lying, insincerity, or whatever you like. He contradicts himself, often in the span of less than a minute.

    “Back it up”, you say? Let’s wager on it first. If I’m wrong, I’ll concede that I’m probably wrong about a lot of Beck facts, but you have to take the other side of the gamble.

    Here’s a Glenn Beck greatest hits video. Pay no mind to the nonsensical music in the background. 🙁

    If you can watch this and tell me that this is a reasonable, rational person who is not elbow deep in the quagmire of hate, fear and irrational megalomania, then I believe there is no amount of reason or logic that can ever permeate the peculiar bubble of reality you’ve spun around you.

    Here’s another one just for fun…


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