While ex-president and self-declared greatest man that ever lived, Donald
Trump, sulks and skulks in his palatial Florida mansion, his favourite wife /
daughter, Ivanka, has yet again astounded the world with her insatiable greed.
Her ability to prize cash from the super-rich is truly a thing of beauty. Her latest
abhoration is ‘Vanka’s Pop-Up Elite Ultra-Right Insurrection Club.’
Located in a luxuriously equipped meeting room just off the lobby of the
Trump International Hotel in Washington DC, the enterprise consists of an
exclusive club for America’s elite ultra-right wing barnstormers.
Membership is expensive at $1m per annum per person, but for this you
get a free flack jacket, a stabbing knife, a semi-automatic rifle and a list of things
you are encouraged to shoot on sight. The list includes creatures that have a
propensity to be social animals such as elks, bees, dolphins, wolves, communists,
Democrats and Piers Morgan.
The clubroom has a recreational drugs snorting table, Champagne on tap, a
choice of up-market snacks, and round-the-clock Fox news blaring out from an
iMax style wrap around screen with sound volume set to maximum.
Speaking to a hastily assembled press pack, the president’s wife / daughter
spoke with unbridled enthusiasm about this, her latest money making scam.
“I watched what happened on January sixth and my heart nearly broke,”
she simpered, “Daddy did his best to whip those dumb red-necks into a frenzy of
hate, but let’s face it, they let him down badly. I know Daddy is the greatest man
that ever lived in the history of mankind, but he clearly got it wrong that day.”
When asked by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano if this was
because his actions were treasonous, threatened democracy and de-facto incited
an attempted insurrection that cost the lives of five people – a crime for which
the death sentence is too good for him, Ivanka Trump burst into fits of
“No, you silly boy,” she giggled, “It’s because he didn’t sell them tickets for
the event. What’s more, they were dumb rednecks. They were bound to screw it
up. That’s why I’ve started this new business. Members of my insurrection club
will be the super-rich. They can afford to fund a bunch of elite soldiers, a private
ultra-right army if you will, to storm Capital Hill and get the job done properly.”
Ivanka then added, “true all the people that have signed up so far are
wheezy old rabid super-rich neo-Nazis that have to be pushed around in
wheelchairs but they get a free sexy uniform that they can either wear or make
their ‘nurses’ wear. I’m wearing it now. What do you think? Does it make me
look like I can kick ass while still being coquettish and vulnerable?”
When the reporter from the UK gardening magazine ‘Thyme’ remarked it
made her look like ‘some idiot wearing a body length ribbed condom’ she
abruptly called the conference to a halt screeching at the press hound, “I know
where you fcking live so watch it, or your name goes on the fcking list!”
When Kamala Harris was approached for a comment on this latest Trump
escapade, she said, “You think they’re gone, flushed away like those particularly
nasty turds looking back up at you from the can that you finally manage to poke
around the ‘U’ bend. Then suddenly they’re back. Will this nightmare ever end?
Does she offer a discount for BLM activists?”