SLUDGE INTERNET NEWS January 25, 2031
“Have you ever heard of the Trumps?”
Gene, my editor, blew his stack when I asked to write a story about them.
“Who wants to read about a couple of rednecks living in a Mississippi trailer park. Who are they anyway?”
“He keeps claiming he was once President of the United States,” I said.
“He belongs in a nuthouse,” Gene said.
“He was, in Jacksonville, Florida, for five years. He kept ranting and raving about killing all Muslims and Democrats. He wanted to kill Mexican babies and eat them.”
“What an asshole,” Gene said.
“He was supposed to go on trial for bouncing checks in Florida, but the court found him legally insane so they sent him to the state asylum. They let him go after five years.”
“I heard he used to have money. I’ll go for the ‘how the mighty have fallen’ angle. The whole family went to shit.”
“How so?” Gene was curious.
“Well, his wife is the town whore. She’s 60 years old, fat and no teeth. Five dollars for a blow job, ten for straight sex, twelve for anal work.”
“The oldest son was executed for treason. He sold top secrets to the Russians. They were on a laptop he bought from some skank,” I said.
“Yeah, I remember that. So that’s the guy.”
“Yep. The middle son was shanked at Riker’s. Cops caught him feeling up school kids. The daughter runs a glory hole parlor in Harlem. Six holes, twenty-four hours a day.”
“Ah, a success story!” Gene said.
“Nah. That award goes to the youngest. He changed his name and moved to Europe. He’s a real estate developer there, worth billions. He won’t lift a finger to help the others.”
Gene thought for a moment. “Okay, second page, Saturday edition, last story before the classifieds, five hundred words.”
As I turned to leave, Gene asked, “What are their names again?”
“More like the Dumps,” Gene said.